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The US Navy is out of Vieques, Claridad, the local socialist paper celebrates it's festival, Don Pablo, one of my favorite watering holes celebrates 12 years, T minus 17 days for the 23rd anniversary of Ian Curtis' suicide and my b-day. Hurray!

Color me impressed. Should blast some vintage Replacements.

Gig on the 29th. OPAL. 20 minutes of some electronic experimental soundscapes.

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Soundtracks To This Particular Moment:
Killing Joke - "Solitude" Colin Newman "Alone" Depeche Mode "Nothing" Wire "Other Moments"
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See what happens when you tattoo Fuck You instead of FAQ YOU courtesy of the Smoking Gun.
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Just as lies and bullshit are a sure way to burn bridges with me, a small detail, for example, a postcard, is a sure way to endear me. Thanks V. I needed that one.
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Finished the rest of the set for an upcoming performance. Aside from that, work.

Some stuff going through my head of late.

To LMcC Wherever You Are:

Love is a four letter word
at least for me it is.
Lives accross the ocean
Halfway accross the world.
Love's gone though.
I don't know if it'll come back
What form will it take?
How many letters will it have this time?
I don't know. It matters not now.
It doesn't matter along with the rest of my life right now.
Point being:
I felt it
It felt me
The only thing I want to know right now
is that you and yours are alright
and that you're happy
I carry on the memories and the guilt
Even though we were both guilty
I miss you so much baby
I know I can't reach you
but if perhaps you ever see this......
Know this:
You are the love of my life
I will always love you

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Keeping very busy. Working on more music. Good stuff coming out. Watched this film "Ordinary Decent Criminal". Really fucking funny. Kevin Spacey rawks. Looking forward to watch "Taxi" and "Taxi 2" on VCD. Not much to write about, really. Just lots of work.
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Ok it's 4:10 am and V. fucking RAWKS! I love our little tete a tetes. Humanity's spared. For now. Congratulations. Lots of love to ya.

Rose's got a brand new job and that's good. Looking forward to what the week brings. Congratulations girl.

Got together with the homies for some hardcore Top Secret S.I. One shot adventure and it was good. Good times for a bloody change. Yes!
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Sunday. Sleep. Think. Do a whole lot of nothing. It's beautiful. Some interesting dreams. Quiet. No worries.
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someone mentioned i need time to heal. that maybe so, but the only one thing that can heal me is love. like the song goes, only love can save me, but love doesn't arrive when you actually want it. i guess i'm screwed. LOL
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This article is funny and dead on. Insightful and full of black humor. Read and learn.
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Conversations with V. take interesting turns. Anyway the words 'angry' and 'vindictive' were used. Angry? Hell yeah. Anger is a source of energy and they say deppression is anger turned inside. Vindictive? Well I do believe in karma, an eye for an eye, retribution, righting wrongs, etc. No. I didn't say I was a saint, and I don't plan to apply for it. Anyway I just love the phrase she used.
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Nina Simone is buried and Sinead O' Connor is quitting music. The world is a sadder place. Thanks for the music you lovely ladies. Nina Simone was as old as my own mother. Yeah, even people like me have a mom. Anyway still cranking up her music.

Meanwhile Shakira tells it to Madonna like it is. You go girl! Unfortunately Maddy is not known for her spine. She just wants to create a stir to sell records, but even she has to play it safe. Don't want to aliente her audience, oh no.

V. Thanks for your honesty and your conversations. You made my evening. Thanks to J. for the pics too.

Film at 11.
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The Smoking Gun is a much needed source of laughter these days. Between tales of thong thieves, stolen artwork, pretentious asswipes passing as rockers ripping off people, and the ocassional kiddie porn scum caught in high places, brings relief to the daily drudgery. Thank 'Bob' it's Friday!
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Well the gig was ok. It was cool and some friends showed up. Only had a chance to do one set because my ride had to leave early. Shit happens, but I had a good time blasting out some quality tunes.

On the other hand, some people don't understand the concept of me not having anything to do with them. You know who you are. You run, hide, lie, disrespected me, took me for granted, stab me in the back and expect me to forget about what happened? And now you want to talk? You forfeited any chance to deal with me in any capacity. Talk is very cheap, coming from you, and your actions spoke louder than anything you have to say. Don't talk to me, don't buy me drinks, don't be fucking hypocrites. I have better things to do with my time than deal with the likes of you. You should talk about behaving like adults. Stay well away. Do I make myself clear?

In a very unrelated subject, I just chatted with my nephew. That was very cool and that made my day. Take care my man. You rock!

Now back to our regularly scheduled deprogramming.....
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Haven't posted that much. Working on my music for tomorrow's gig. Got some good tunes and I gotta organize the set. Aside from that, not much to tell kiddies. Later.
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Well I got a friend in NYC and she wrote an article about people's reactions to the war with Iraq. Enjoy!
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Jane's Addiction is back with a new album. So's Lollapallooza. Wishing I was Stateside.
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some stuff that i said/wrote/heard that i need to remember:

hope is my heroin. life is too short to be down. besides, i'll be down and i'll sleep when i'm dead.

i want my hope fix. badly.

good night kids.
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Not only do I have to deal with all this shit that's going on. Nina Simone passed away. Keep pouring that rain. I got some tunes to crank.
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So now that my birthday's coming up, I came up with a little wish list of things I wanna get. So, erm, you can, erm, cooperate and whatnot. Tee hee. Yeah right.

Anyway, Ian Curtis hung himself on my birthday. You got a good band going, you're about to tour the US and boom! Game over. Depression and epilepsy are serious motherfuckers. Respect to Mr C. and I love Joy Division, but I guess you gotta appreciate what you have before deciding to check out this existence.

Mt. St. Helens exploded on my birthday and I'm sure I share it with some famous people :P ha!

Yes, I'm bored.
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V. Missing you terribly. Talked to Rose and some people. Raining non stop.
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"We're all players in the dating game" - Jose E. Roman 4/20/03 19:38

I spent the last 20 minutes waking in the rain. Letting it soak right through me. Deep in thought. It's been awhile since I done that. I guess the weather matches my mood these days after all. It's ok though. I was coming from dinner with someone I met recently. She's nice, cool, grounded, honest, and very funny. Talking to her gave me some insights into relationships. Especially she was talking to me about how her ex was so good and she blurted that she'll compare her dates against her ex. I told her that's not fair at all. To her, to her dates. It's not fair at all. I told her so. I can't believe how people do that. I mean, it's just unbelievable, but that's my opinion. She needs to get over some issues but I think she's good friend material. Friend only.

So anyway at least she's honest about stuff and I appreciate that. I look forward to meet her again. I like her so that will happen soon. Anyway I just thought about things and even though I can consider Lana the love of my life, I don't compare any people I meet against them. It's not fair because to start they're not the same. Each person is unique with their flaws and their virtues.
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Ode To Cowards

This one's for you
Shake my hand
Stab me with the other
Praise me with your words
Hurt me with your actions
And when the truth comes out
Out you go
No guts to face me
Pull of your masks
I see right through you
and like my man John Malkovich
in one movie said:
"There's nothing I'd love more to kill you
but I'll be happy to kick you all over the field
like a football."
Or something like that.
Still if I give in to violence
I'd give you the importance you don't deserve.
So I'll be happy to watch you hide, squirm, avoid me
Run while you can.
Karma and you conscience will take care of you all.
But not before you heard it from me first.
I know.
That's all you hear from me.
Don't expect forgiveness, there's none to give
Don't expect tears, never shed them for cowards
Things are screwed enough as it is.
So wallow in your hollow victories.
I'm still here. Waiting by the river. Like the Chinese.
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Rain rain rain rain
Matmos on the soundsystem
Pretty lonely over here
Owners not showing up
and of course me the responsible one
tending to an empty local, an empty bar
instead of going to the movies or something.
Oh well.....

Actually I like Matmos so it's ok.
No one's bothering me, yet.
So life is good.
Kinda wished Lana was here.
I miss kissing and fucking in the rain.

You can only wish for so much eh?

Blogjumping anc checking other people's lives. Blogsnob rules.
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It's been raining nonstop these past few days. I've been completely numb to it all. I'd like to think that the weather mirrors my mood, but unless I've mutant weather control powers, that is not the case. Actually I enjoy the rain. Friends have called/shown up/chatted with me and I appreciate it guys. I'm just numb to it all. I can't be bothered. Although I love talking with people, so that's cool. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I'm getting over it. I guess numbness is my reaction to it all. Well anyway, life goes on. I interviewed for a job with a telecommunications company so that's good. If I get that job, I'll be busy, so that's good. Anyway, it's 20 minutes before going out so it's shower time kiddies. Later.
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Soundtrack to these last days:

Ministry (of course)
New Order
The Raveonettes.

Thought you might wanted to know.
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This taken from Mister D.'s blog. While you people wait for the Hollywood version of Private Jessica Lynch's Rescue. Here's the Real story behind her rescue. Meanwhile let's all get in line for "Saving Private Lynch" directed by Steven Spielberg. Available in the nearest Cineplex. Probably in time for Memorial Day or Christmas. :rolleyes

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Well someone's been posting back and forth and thank you by the way. I have no problem having a discussion about things posted here. That's why it's here in the first place. So, on the subject of regret and since this is one of my favorite groups ever here it goes......

New Order

Maybe I've forgotten the name and the address
Of everyone I've ever known
It's nothing I regret
Save it for another day
It's the school exam and the kids have run away

I would like a place I could call my own
Have a conversation on the telephone
Wake up every day that would be a start
I would not complain of my wounded heart

I was upset you see
Almost all the time
You used to be a stranger
Now you are mine

I wouldn't even trust you
I've not got much to give
We're dealing in the limits
And we don't know who with
You may think that I'm out of hand
That I'm naive, I'll understand
On this occasion, it's not true
Look at me, I'm not you

I would like a place I could call my own
Have a conversation on the telephone
Wake up every day that would be a start
I would not complain of my wounded heart

I was a short fuse
Burning all the time
You were a complete stranger
Now you are mine

I would like a place I could call my own
Have a conversation on the telephone
Wake up every day that would be a start
I would not complain about my wounded heart

Just wait till tomorrow
I guess that's what they all say
Just before they fall apart

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Ok well today's been productive. went to a job interview and i think i'll get the job. inspired by my latest turn of events, here's the latest from the labs. will post an mp3 next week.

"How To Lose Friends And Influence People"

Excuses, Excuses
Your Goddamn Lies
What Have I Done To Deserve This?
Dishonesty I Despise

I Gave You All
I Treat You Well
I Gave You All I've Got
And In Return
You Give Me Hell
What Kind Of Love Is That?
So Darling......

Twist The Knife Slowly
My Unsuspecting Back
What Hurts The Most
A Friendship Lost
You Broke My Fucking Heart (x2)

Have A Nice Day Motherfucker!

In other news, I bought another CD and a DVD. Rented some DVD's to record over the weekend. Having a nice chat with V. and listening to some New Order songs. Yeah, life is good tonight.

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Wendesday's Fun courtesy of The Smoking Gun.

Get your Easter Day fantasy over here.

This guy was arrested in search of an even tan.

Some people try to extend their 15 minutes.

Meanwhile I just got news from one of my job prospects. Will keep you posted.

Had a talk with T-girl. She understands what's going on, but I'm sorry there's no excuse for that kind of behavior. Especially when I treat my friends with love and respect. In a way, I feel vindicated because I made my point clear. I behaved with them properly. I didn't treat anyone like dirt. There's no reason for that shit to fall on my lap. I'm not cleaning anyone's messes, I'm not responsible for your shortcomings, nor should I pay for them.

Anyway, there's a show on Hard Rock Cafe in Good Friday and I plan to be there. Film at 11.

Heh. Cranking out The Sisterhood's "Gift" and The Sisters Of Mercy's "Colours". Lyrics to the latter below.

"You reap what you sow
Put your face to the ground
Here comes the marching band
Your colours wrapped around"

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It's Wendesday and well after all I've been through I ran into this lovely picture of Michael Gira (Swans, Angels of Light, Young God Records) and it fits nicely into these past week's ethos. Enjoy!

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Well I kinda got a surprise visit from a friend and after some news I went to see Anger Management again. It was good. Then i hit Borders and finally got it. Ministry's "Animositisomina". MAN! What the doctor ordered! Oh yeah. Cranking this baby full blast. This is my favorite album already. 9 tunes plus a Magazine cover. Yes. The perfect prescription to eradicate these blues. Fuck yeah! This is one of those albums that motivate you to get back on the band game. Anyway ran into Georgie so I think I'm gonna hook up with my buddies at Golpe Justo for some action. It'd be a good way to vent some of that pentup energy. ;)

And yes, Al sings.

V - thanks. Your email moved me. Thanks for sharing that with me. Also thanks to the hippie. I love you mofo. I really do. Take care. You're progressing. Keep it up my man. Thanks also to my favorite Vampire. My favorite co-worker. I love you too. Thanks guys for showing me there's light at the end of the tunnel and it's not a train. You guys are the air I breathe and my sunshine. Thank you.

PD - Keep in mind this one's a work in progress:

Twist The Knife Slowly
Right On My Back
What Hurts Me Most
A Friendship Lost
You Broke My Fucking Heart

(soon to be heard on some recording soon. who says anger ain't a source of energy?)

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It's two for Tuesday and here it goes:

this one's for you. both of you.

i don't mind you two getting together. that's your business and it should be. no business of mine.

but what really ticks me off is the way you went about it. you don't need my approval, blessing etc. what you do, you do on your own. we're all grown ups here, BUT........

ladies first. you said you want to be my friend. that you value my friendship. i told you countless times that if you really want to be my friend, i want you to be honest. to tell me what's going on when it happens. no matter what. keep it real. you are not honest when you don't tell me. it's not the first time it happened. you say you want to tell me face to face. it's not like i've been seeing you in the past three weeks, isn't it? you avoid, don't say anything and then expect me to be honest? sorry, it doesn't work that way. you said you don't know what you want. i agree. you don't know a thing about honesty either. i'm sorry but i don't want your 'friendship'. i don't want anything to do with you. i hope you can sort your stuff out. i really do, but you'll have to do without me. sorry.

now.....buddy. i've known you for a third of my life. that's a long time. i thought you knew better. i was wrong. like i said before i have no problems how you carry on with your life. but you know what really hurts the most? the fact that you didn't have the guts to tell me. et tu dave? i'm seeing her. what's wrong with telling me that? i would've said "good". left it at that. might have said "godspeed. go for it. wish you guys the best." but you didn't. you chose to hide. to ignore my messages. even though i was calling you because i needed one of my best friends to lend me an ear. oh well.

thanks for the laughs dave. i mean it. but the way you handled this my friend, you broke my fucking heart. i don't want to see you. don't bother calling. don't email me. carry on with her and your life.

thanks both of you for your wonderful birthday present. thank you for your lack of honesty. if you don't have that, don't bother with 'friendship'. goodbye.

ok. done. back to your regularly scheduled deprogramming.

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So it's Tuesday. T. For Tests. So here we are.

Conscious self
Overall self
Take Free Enneagram Test

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tax day.......bleh.
given what's going on in my life at this moment i can't help but laugh.
been trying to update my template but blogger's been obtuse. hah. film at 11.

update = template changed. tee hee.
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Ok this one's a long one.....or so I think. I need to cover some ground so here it goes:

1. I'm not seeing normal girl anymore. It's a question of not having things in common. It's a question of her losing interest. It's a question of inviting her several times to go out and she's just giving me the runaround. So that's over and done with.

2. I decided that the only kind of relationship that I want in my life is:
A. Monogamous. B. Yeah I like the company and intimacy but C. I need space. Space to deal with my issues. Space to breathe. Therefore, I can only be by myself or on this kind of relationship. I cannot go for anything with more commitment, I cannot handle any drama at the moment. I got enough on my plate as it is.

3. Watched "Anger Management" and "A Man Apart". A good way to waste some hours. I'd rather do that than be on my room being anxious, being sad, riding an emotional rollercoaster.

4. Yeah all this time's been an emotional rollercoaster. My job hasn't been easier. They cut some more hours on the agency. This other job things are fast and loose but with these moods, I don't know if I'll be able to deal with it. I just have to deal with it. I have to hang on. To something. To keep me sane.

5. Edited due to give someone i've known for a long time the benefit of the doubt and see if he comes clean about it. Swing the Heartache, Baby!

Ok enough of me. That wasn't that long wasn't it?

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"these crazy words of mine
so wrong they could be....."
- new order "sub-culture"

someone just told me that i have a chaotic mind. i asked her whether it was a good thing or a bad thing. i could say there are a lot of things on my mind. that's the best answer i can give at the moment.

i've been pushing people away from me. it's not healthy to do that on my state of mind, but i do it for a reason: things will get ugly for me. i don't want them caught in my messes. my problems are mine to deal with. if i need help, i have no problem asking, but i think i'd rather deal with them on my own.

this girl i'm seeing, yeah she's cute, and nice but i don't have a thing in common with her. we're different. i guess its good in a way. but it'd be nice to relate. she's not showing interest either. i think i'm gonna stop seeing her.

i wish i could stop. just stop. i'm too stubborn to quit for my own good.

right now i'm having a conversation with someone i like to talk to. so excuse me.
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It's been a lot of work this week. Two jobs and a friend who I'm helping out to move. In a way it's kinda good because it keeps me busy, but when I'm on my own sometimes this feeling sets in. It's not a pretty one. Anyway, it's Saturday so I'll have Sunday and Monday off, so I guess it's a fair trade. If I only could get some good sleep. Good loong sleep.
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started here today in the afternoon. it was ok. it was a good opportunity to listen to some really cool music. things are shaping up. yeah.
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today is a new day
or so they say

anyway, i took myself off from the usual bb's i post. yeah in a sense i'm withdrawing but i see it as taking away the distraction. focus on the ball, as dave would say.

i need a car
i need money
i need to see what happens with this girl

focus on the ball
the ball damnit!


alright it's 6am. time to hustle.
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One door closes another opens.

I just had a talk with the girl I've been sleeping with. It's over. I pretty much was in acceptance mode of late, so it doesn't hurt as much as it's supposed to. It hurts a bit because we have a lot of things in common but we're still friends so it's cool. I hope she sorts her stuff out.

Anyway, I'm taking my chances with this girl I'm meeting. I don't know where it might lead. I'll just play it by ear, make my move, hope for the best.

Alright better get my day started.
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Two things happened today.

One is that there this girl that I got introduced at this blind date last week. We've been exchanging phonecalls and she's cute. I found out she speaks highly of me and I don't know where this might lead, but it's worth a try. It'd be a nice change.

The other one is that I took off all my music from my web. It's been 6 years since I started this and I think that's as far as I can take it for now. That won't stop me from doing music, but honestly I have taken my label and my music as far as it gets. Maybe I'll put up some new stuff later. No promises though. I love making music and I'd love it more if I can get a proper band together, but such is not the case for now. So no music online of mine. For now.

Aside from that, no new tales to tell......
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Remember him? Well, like every other doofus in this planet he also has a website! Ain't life grand?
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Got the most sickest migraine I had in a long while. Been sleeping all day and taking pills and right now it's gone. Meanwhile while I was out dreaming......
I was back in England. Somehow I was taking pictures of my ex, her best friend and some other people. Taking snapshots, they were smiling and we were all exchanging jokes. It was kinda tense between us but the humor got it away. I see a glint in her eyes. She asks me "why are you here?" I tell her "I wanted to see you." She's still posing. Eventually they leave. We end up in bed. We start to kiss. I start to kiss her all over her body. We're in bed and for a moment I feel wonderful. I feel her warmth. I feel human. And it all goes away....

I wake up and I go to bed again. Here I am wishing for things past. I'm moving on but my subconcsious is clinging to it. Here I am considering quitting music, the only thing that at least takes me away from feeling like this. I can't find anyone to play with and I think I can handle it on my own, but I wonder if it's worth it. Too many things on my mind. Too many things on this restless mind of mine. I wish I could be unconscious for a while. Not even dreaming. Just a long blank slate. Still, reality comes to you sooner or later.

I don't know if I'm making any sense.
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Things are moving. Crawling really, but hey. I don't know what to say. Except that I feel empty in some ways, but in other ways I don't give a fuck. It's kinda weird. Hard to put it in words. Oh well.
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Right now I'm in acceptance mood in my 'thing' and looking forward to see what happens with this other girl. Last night at Gallery Night was good. The show went well and my friend managed to sell 7 paintings, so that's good. I wish I could write a bit more but I'm very bushed. Wishing I had a shoulder to cry on and some tears to shed, but I have none. By the way, came home from watching this Brazilian film called 'City Of God." Very good, very intense, very gritty.