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well ok you've heard me bitching, moaning and complaining. this one is different. this one's about the other half. the half that has everything, looks great, lives well. and right now i'm in the midst of it. or something. i'm housesitting my boss's flat. a nice penthouse smack in the middle of the city. it fucks with my vertigo sometimes believe me but it's all good. big place. dsl. a/c. cable. heh. in another reality, this might be me actually living the life. not in this one. at least right now. but it feels good. i've always wanted to have my place. i always value my own space. heh. the perks of modern slavery.

back to reality. one of my very close friends is taking a step forward in his battle against addiction. he's checking himself in a clinic. i wish him the best. i think he's going stateside for that. if he's not, i'll visit. i hope he gets over it and gets back on track. if i was a praying man, my prayers would be to him, but i wish him the best anyway.

back to the place i'm housesitting: it's nice. big. but it's somewhat empty. i talked to her the other day. 4 am conversation. opened up to her and told her that i miss her. i mean, it's casual and no attachments but i do miss sleeping with her. her warmth. her kisses. her scent. it's one of those people that i want to be by my side. friend, lover. i mean that's all i'm gonna get for now so i'll try to make the best of it. in a way, i wish she was here with me. wake up together. see the city. the two of us just watching the cityscape. it moves me.

anyway, i have accepted that good things don't last long. the owners will come back. normalcy reestablished. but to feel that moment, it's worth it.

have a great weekend.
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there is a sense of justice
when you know that the people that hate you
are more fucked than you are
in their pettiness and sheer stupidity
there is a sense of beauty
when you know when it's over
before it even starts
because you can afford to be honest
there is a sense of completeness
when it's all done and gone
because you knew
what you were getting into
there is a sense of justice
when you know that the next one
won't be as nearly as good
as you were
there is satisfaction
when there is no strings
no regrets
no promises
you were warned
you heeded, you followed
so tonight
there's no room for sadness
melancholy, longing, regret
for there is none


Can't sleep
Too much in my mind
Gonna take care of some stuff
in addition to my job
It's gonna be 2 busy weeks
but hey, it's all good
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i've had conversations with some friends and thanks guys for them.

i have to keep my eyes on the ball. get my own place. keep my job. exercise. go to some support groups to deal with my deppression. keep myself focused.

on the sentimental side, well it's not much of a choice i have these days but i'd rather ride this wave, see where it takes me. i just have to accept that.

in another news i got news for two people i thought that were my friends: keep burning those bridges kids. in the end, it's gonna be the two of you. i'm glad you ended up with each other. you deserve and complemente each other perfectly. share your neuroses and your stupidity. 'til death do you part. me? i'm just laughing at your sheer stupidity. and at the end, as always, i'll be there saying: told you so. ok, enough about them.

let's bring some lighthearted fun to the proceedings with more pictures of carousing and general mayhem at St. Valentine's:

Courtesy of Pulsorock.com

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i miss your bed
miss your perfume
miss the warmth
the feeling you're there
miss your mouth
your tongue
our bodies wrapped in darkness
me losing myself
and finding myself
between your legs
your moans
your words
your screams
piercing your room
wishing it
wanting it
wondering whether
i should write you about this
or write about this at all
all the while
i wonder if last night
was the last time
or if there are more nights to come
i know there are no promises
no deals no strings
here i am
and missing you
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acronyms, misunderstandings and talking. it's all that jazz, rock n'roll and whatnot. it's about lust, longing and words misspoken. it's about talking to some people i haven't heard from in a while. what a week this was. that a new song: s.u.f.a.r.i. figure that one out.

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I love the company
I love the snogging
I love the sex
and I'm very grateful.
Still I want more.
Or rather would like to feel wanted.
I don't even know if I'm making any sense here.
I should settle for what I have.
I should learn to wait.
Meanwhile all I got is this space to rant.
Or something.
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Watched Chicago yesterday with her. Really cool musical. Good performances. And then we went shopping. Actually she did most of the shopping. I just watched and suggested her some records. Then she surprised me by buying Love & Rockets' "Seventh Dream Of Teenage Heaven". The reissue. I was floored and I blushed. Then we had coffee and bagels. It felt so good to be with her. Share something. Big grin on my face. I know, but she rawks.

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so yeah i survived st. valentine's. it could've been worse in some ways but i had a good time. drank some, had some fun. gave her some small tokens of appreciation which were some cause of concern to her. she things i expect something in return. i don't. we have our thing in our own terms. the only thing i expect from this, is to be honest about it. if she meets someone else, i just want her to tell me and that's it. being around her helps me and gives me some sanity.

finished reading "pattern recognition". interesting. i think i'll give my copy to dave for him to read. watched "daredevil" last night. colin farrell steals the show but it was alright.

ok here's a little thing i made for st. valentine's.

"fuck cupid"
curve - signals and alibis
david bowie - heroes
dog faced hermans - love is the heart of everything (live)
godspeed you black emperor! - the dead flag blues
leonard cohen - i'm your man
migala - la espera
nick cave & the bad seeds - stranger than kindness
pj harvey & thom yorke - this mess we're in
recoil - want
these immortal souls - so the story goes
tricky - christiansands
wolfgang press - raintime

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alive again. i think it's the best thing in the world. and of course, it never lasts, but hey. ;)
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watched more bands. reading "pattern recognition". i just wished she was around. that's all i want right now.
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watched polbo with my friends. saw some friends. i told her that she's a great gal and i told her my feelings toward her. i drank a few beers but she knows i meant it and i'd say it to her alcohol or not. i hope i get together with her again. she makes me happy.
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note to self: dont take life too hard. life is hard enough. learn to wait. otherwise you will blow it.
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The city literally stank. I'm serious. The city was full of the smell of overflowing toilets. The rain apparently got the sewers working overtime or something. Christ! Working overtime but it seems that I'll get Friday off. It's ok. It's good work. I need to get some money for a bloody car. I can't wait to go out on my own. I need it for the business as well. K, time to get some rest.
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In our latest publicity strategy we sold our souls to the devil. We need all the publicity we can get so in exchange of fame, fortune, platinum records, groupies and endorsements, we have to include Ol' Scratch in our flyers as well... I know........

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here's a little existencial conundrum for ya:

what's worse?

being attracted to someone you really like but you know it will probably be sort of unrequited? you find someone with your similar tastes and refreshing and you know that despite that you're attracted to each other, you won't be together as much as you like?

or having your subconscious bring you dreams featuring you and your ex to remind you of times past and that you'll never see her again? i mean every time you think you reach closure your subconscious brings it back to open those wounds.

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Ok so many things happenned in my life of late.

I usually deal with the dreaded New Year's Resolutions in February. Why? Too much going on in th holidays. It takes time for me to actually sit down and think any goals I might want to accomplish. Also leaving the museum, moving back home and the New York situation took it's toll in the decision making process.

So....I started the year alright. Got a job. Working on what I majored in. That's good.

I'm getting a band together and we rehearsed last night. It looks and sounds good. Different, but good.

I met someone who's actually nice and that's good too. I don't know or expect anything from this, but it's good to find someone you can relate with similar tastes. I'm glad I met her. Me and several friends watched dvd's last night. It was good.

BTW, rent Michael Winterbottom's "24 Hour Party People" it's funny as hell and really good.

Now my goal is to hold on to this job for at least a year. Get back on track, and reach happiness. Contentment. That's all I want. If someone is with me, so much the better.