Well things are happening. Not all of them happy. They cut my hours down to 20 at my job so I'm in the market for another. There's some stuff that's panning out with two possible jobs. If the second one works out, I'll take it. Even if it means working from 4pm to 1am. Also I just had an argument with my family again. I don't have the money but I'll be moving out soon. I can't wait. I need my space and I don't need them fucking about my life when I need a place to rest, some peace and quiet. I never cared about living on this house anyway. Hated it since the second they moved in it. Anyway, I should be moving out soon.

In other news, I saw her last friday. Slept together. No nookie. Guess we were both too tired. I don't know. It comes and goes, does it? Saturday I sort of got into a blind date situation. Got a telephone number. She's cute. Aside from that, I don't know how things will work out with all of this. She's cute but we're different. Still gotta try somehow. Got a gig tomorrow and probably movies on Wendesday. So much to do, so little time. Right now my bed is calling me.

Right now I'm too exhausted to think, let alone blog. I'm very tired. Things happened this weekend. I promise I'll post them soon. Right now I need to sleep. Night.

My arm hurts like hell. I skipped work. Checked out another possible part time opportunity to get some more cash in the pocket. Aside from that, did my laundry and of course it rained while I was hanging it. LOL. Aside from that, not much. A sense of dullness and normalcy that is so numbing, but I did get some sleep.

This from another blog. Ok if this ain't evidence of this war's stupidity, I don't know what is. I feel safe already.

The things I do for........ *laughs* having a good time, you! Today work the usual drudgery. Then go to a social function at the Museum of Art. Kind of flashbacks to my OMART days. In a way. Wait. Retreat. Back.

I had to run to the Old City today. Delivery run for some artwork. Fucking heat. Traffic to a stop. We had to park the car and go downhill to this place to deliver them. Ok. On the way back I go to a shop where one of my exes used to work. See? One of my friends saw her at the bus and since we now are on talking terms, I decided to drop by, say hi. I did. She's still crazy but she manages it well. I even got a compliment out of her, which I'm surprised. Gave me her phone number. Ok. Cool. Lunch sometime. Maybe.

Anyway back to the boring social function at the Museum. Lots of food and drink. Cool. Several Blue Rooms later and sushi along other scrumptious items, I was on a roll. Called *her* to see if she wanted to drop by. Free food and drink. Hey. Well she didn't but we agreed to go to the movies. Cool. I escape the Museum, go to her place. We talk and definitely it's to the movies. I'm not staying the night, she says. I nod. In a way, there's a tension between us, but it's mostly frayed nerves, lack of sleep, tired. But not of each other, I guess. Otherwise, she wouldn't agree to go to a movie with me.

So we go to the movies and watch "View From The Top". I know. Dave should be pissing his pants right about now. Oddly enough, it's a good date movie. We laughed, had fun. Our IQ's dropped but we had fun in the process. She drives me home, we talk about some stuff that's going on. Advice. I tell her "it was good to see you again". We kiss in the cheek. I just hold her hands, get my stuff out, go to her and kiss her softly in the lips. It was nice. She calls me when she gets home, we chat a bit. I take a shower and I'm ready for bed.

There's so much I wish I could talk to her about but she needs her space. Sometimes you just let the dice fall where they may. I'll see her Friday. Saturday she's got a shooting to do. Let's see what happens.

Anyway, yes Dave. I did have fun while watching that flick. Doink!

Alright. Nightie night.

I just saw her today. She had a BBQ at her place. Helped her set up and get the stuff together afterwards. People showed up. We all had fun. The thing was that me and this other guy she likes was there too. It was all civil. Thing is, at the end of the night, I went back home. I guess she's ending up with the other guy. I don't know. Maybe it's my acceptance phase. I just didn't feel like making a move. Maybe I don't care. Maybe I care too much and I don't want to get hurt. I don't know. Right now I just want to go to sleep. Don't wake up. Drift. Unconciousness. That's all I want right now. Good night!

Went to the movies again. This time watched "The Hunted". Again, I'm at my acceptance phase. I'll just ride it out as long as it ends. I don't have any surprises, any hopes. Anything. Numb. Just numb.

Had a horrible afternoon. Wanted to see her and some friends in the mall and I was out the door. Fucking traffic jam, buses running late and me sticky due to the heat. Me feeling all that and my frustration and longing. I called them on the cellphone and took the bus home, frustrated. A friend called me and took me to see "Tears of The Sun". Good war flick. I went hoeme and I thought to myself of all the things I should be doing at my age. And I haven't. Of all things I should have and I don't. Of all the things I miss and I need, but don't have. And I was talking to Dave and I basically lost it. Tears streaming down. Deception, rage, frustration. If I had more guts I would've ended all this pain and misery a long time ago, but I can't. I guess I can nail it down to cowardice or self-preservation. I guess there's always tomorrow. I just want to sleep. Don't wake up. Make it go away. I'm still crying as I write this. Pathetic.

Here I am jonesin'. For her. I just have to deal with it. No much choice. Not in my current situation. She's going with a friend to Culebra for a holiday. I wish I had her financial freedom. Well I am stuck here working and it's all good. I know it's two days, but hey. Anyway, many things in my head at this time. I gotta get my ass to work. Later.

war started last night. it's not like we weren't expecting it. still..... fucking idiot.

oh and my brother is soon to be a father for the first time. twins. oh my!

I forgot to mention. Ran into a former crush in a bookstore. She's still beautiful, but right now there are other things in my mind. She lost her chance. Life goes on.

I need to watch what's going on at work. I think I might not have a job any more. Maybe.

Aside from that, renting some movies. I probably won't see her until tomorrow. I'm gona be jonesin for her sometime soon, but we need time apart to deal with our everyday affairs.

Can't think right now. Too tired.

Got her a copy of "Sleeping With Ghosts". She was happy with it. I was really upset with work and all that so we went to dinner at this burger joint in the Old City. We ate and talk some more. Rented some movies and got some ideas. I went home to visit my parents. It was fun. Went back to the penthouse and called her to see how she's doing. She asked if I wanted to see 8 mile. Good film. Funny too. Then we went to bed. More sexual oblivion. Heh. I love it.

Still a lot of things were not done that were supposed to in part due to people not doing their job. I feel bad and I have to explain this to my boss. It sucks.

Anyway....more later.

too much work to do today. i just want to say three things:

1. finally saw Rose! yay!
2. Placebo - Sleeping With Ghosts. Out April 1st. Double Yay!
3. I need a kiss from her before she leaves. It's only three days but right now I need a kiss damn it. It would help me through the week. Mark Twain said he could live on a compliment for two weeks. Well I could live on a kiss for a couple of days.

Ok out the door. Now.

Monday comes and reality checks in. It's ok though. I mean.....

Saturday evening comes. I drive to her house and we meet. We play a bit of Human Traffic on the DVD to get in the proper mood for the evening's entertainment. Eventually we drive to see Paul Oakenfold. We get in time to see my friend Santos open the festivities. Slowly the place is getting packed with yuppies, clubkids and assorted nightlife. Santos gets the crowd moving and we make the rounds in the locale. They set up a really nice lounge to chill out when Dave calls and my phone dies. Anyway we meet several friends of ours from our jobs and acquaintances. It's getting to be really crowded but we just check out the music, order some beers and start dancing. At this point we're cool to each other but when we order the first round I get to kiss her and we smile. It was a really cool feeling. The next DJ (Oakey's official opener on his tour) comes along with a really cool set. We head to the dancefloor because ironically that's where it feels less crowded. We start dancing and getting into it.

Oakey comes in and the crowd goes wild. Granted that I can't stand his Jesus Christ Pose but the man has to be reckoned that he's a good DJ. Not my favorite DJ (I think Santos himself, Darren Emerson, Juan Atkins and Surgeon come to mind), but hey he gets the crowd dancing and happy. He goes through his set, the poses, we go through several beers, bottles of water and dancing. I'm drenched in my own sweat. She and I dance, snog, laugh like mad children without a care in the world. Then Oakey plays "Where The Streets Have No Name". I just lose it then and there. I was dancing in the front with her and I just get a boost of energy from that song. Granted, U2 has better songs (of the top of my head, "Bad", "Exit", "Acrobat" but you can't dance to them, can't you?) but mabe it's the fact that I'm peaking on my own endorphins and the combination of alcohol, dancing, having a good time, making fun of Oakey and the people around me that makes me lose it completely and abandon myself to become a mad screaming dancing dervish. I scream the lyrics to the top of my lungs while dancing and jumping. There's a camera crew filming the whole thing and it catches me. I see myself on the screens and I throw this incredibly wide grin on my face. Sheer pleasure. Rapture. Bliss. I don't care if all these yuppies and my friends are watching me. I'm having a blast then and there. I keep jumping, dancing, while Oakey catches my eye. I yell and mouth to him "OAKEY YOU WANKER! YOU FUCKING ROCK!" He reads my lips and grins. We seem to understand each other. He did his service as a DJ. Fucking rocking the crowd getting them dancing. I keep dancing and look at her. She's smiling. We kiss in the middle of the dancefloor without a care in the world. Eventually we head back home.

I'm drenched in my own sweat and she drives us to her place. I just realized I can't go to bed. Not like this. I slump on the sofa while she checks her emails. I tell her "I can't possibly go to bed like this". She looks at me. "There's a shower and a towel. Make the best of them." She loans me a t shirt and after my shower and her shower, we go to bed.

I come to the penthouse at 2 pm Sunday. I take care of my duties and I'm kinda drifting in limbo. I wanted to get some sleep and then pickup one of my buddies for dinner before he leaves for Florida for a month. She sees me online and asks me if I'd like to go shopping with her. No problem. We shop some stuff for her home office, blank cd's, etc. It's almost dinner time and I suggest her we call our friend and take him with us for dinner. She agrees and off we go. The three of us get into this really funny and insightful conversation about relationships, addiction, and things in between. We rent some movies to watch before going to take care of her home office. I get to work while my friend and her telephone a friend of hers to watch the movies. I miss part of "White Oleander" but heard it while taking care of her PC installing some new hardware. Once I finished I join the rest of them and we also get to watch "Igby Goes Down". Both films are really good and have some serious acting chops. Eventually it's time to go. Her friend leaves and we drop mine at his parent's house. I figure she'll drop me at the penthouse. She doesn't. I jokingly say "Three days in a row. You sure I'm not imposing?" She said no and kept on her way home. Once we get home we realize it's 4 am. Time to sleep. We get to bed with music. Some Soda Stereo is in order. I realize this is the last time I'll be with her for awhile. We get too much stuff going on during the week. She asks for a rub. She's ticklish. Then we end up having sex. First time we had it in a while. I mean, the day we are supposed to actually go to bed, but it was funny and very good.

Afterwards she asks me if I'm ok. She wants to make sure that we are on the same level. I tell her that the only think I ask of her is to be honest with me. I know she can't handle a relationship, but we do fancy each other. We care about each other in our way. We are honest about it. We can't afford to lie about it and about us. This happiness is transient and we just have to make the best of it. I don't think I'll hear her say "I love you". Ever. I won't fool myself to wait for the day that she will. I tell her "I want you" and I mean it more than the physical thing. I want her to be by my side. A friend. Lover. Kindred Spirit. So beautiful, smart, funny, witty. I am happy now and I know it will pass. I just want us to be happy. If she finds it with someone else, fine. If I find it with someone else, that's fine too. Meanwhile and just for a moment, we have each other. And that's damn fine.

Now back to work.

Here's some pictures of last night's outing. Hard Rock again. I drank but not enough to get me drunk so that's good.

First picture features long time friends, accomplices and fellow scenesters (L-R) Leilani, Mariana and Rebecca.



And another ugly mug of mine in one of the hallways. Cheers!



So last night we hit hard rock to watch two local bands. It's the Nth time we get together to watch Polbo but we don't care. Gea, Manuel and I started with dinner and drinks (like i said no more heavy drinking for me so i stuck to something lite). Then Felix and Ivonne joined us. Eventually the opening band started and they got downstairs to watch it closely. Dave arrived with some other friends. I kept watching them on the second floor until I noticed the three girls pictured above. They said they were coming to check out Polbo and they are worth their time so we talk, take pictures.

Polbo goes onstage. Love those off-kilter harmonies, wicked lyrics and hooks galore. At the end of the show they play the Pixies' "Where Is My Mind?" and dedicated it to me. Heh. I was floored. Nice way to start the festivities. They finish, we go on our separate ways. Dave has his own thing to take care of, so I'm talking and catching up with Leilani, Rebecca and Mariana.

My other ladyfriends are about to leave and ask me if I could walk them to their cars. Fine. So off we go. I end up with her. Yes, cool girl. Kindred spirit. Friends only. It's cool. We go run a little errand and she asks me if I want to crash at her house. I said yeah, why not? We're friends it's nothing sexual or romantic about it and we enjoy each others company. On the way home, her stereo blasts New Order's "Temptaion" (which I quoted earlier this month). Fucking epiphany. God has a sense of humour about us.

So we drive back home, humming to the melody, we arrive, take care of her pets and head to bed. Then we watch Harold and Maude. If you haven't watched it, do it now. Really cool and funny flick. We comment a bit about it, get tired so it's lights out.

THen we engage in one long conversation about ourselves, how our lives are going. Honest, mature, funny at times. We open up to each other with this kind of honesty true friends do. We're in the dark, and then she asks me "where are you?" "Right on your side" - I reply. "Why?" I hear her smile. We're inches apart from each other. "Do you want me to kiss you?" - I dare to ask. She said "Yes." So we kiss tenderly. I couldn't believe what was happening. We held each other so close I asked her if she was sure about this. She said yeah. So we talk and hold each other and I ask her if our previous arrangement was in force now. She said "yeah". We talked and slept. Eventually I had to get up to feed the cat but I was happy. I know these things won't last, but being able to have that kind of closeness, honesty and intensity made my evening, my week. A small triumph, but a triumph nonetheless.

I have to learn to walk carefully and learn from my mistakes. I want to keep this level between us.

Afterwards I went to the office and had dinner with Dave. Good conversation about relationships and local politics.

Ok I should get ready for ze event. So later.

For as long as it lasts, I'm walking on air.

Ciao

In other news, last night something happened i didn't expect it. A welcome surprise. I'm happy now. Very much.

Having an interesting conversation with Rose. Wow. Really nice to meet you. Also meeting Enigmanytes. Really cool chick from Cleveland. Amazing tattoo collection. And someone wants to fuck my brains out, so maybe this weekend I might get lucky. Yeah right!

Well after 4 years I started to drive again. My boss and her husband are on vacation so I am housesitting their penthouse *and* I got a car. So yesterday I started driving around town again. It's kinda exciting and I have to be on my toes. It's a big car with a huge kick so I have to watch it. Fortunately I'm not a speed demon so I'm cool on that aspect.

Anyway I asked Dave to drive me home to pickup some stuff. My parents are not ready to see me driving again. Ha! Anyway I invited Dave for dinner since I owe him one and we tallked about our usual stuff. I'm glad to know he's around and we can talk and give each other advice or at least some funny comments. In a way we're on opposite sides of the fence in our respective situations but we're sensible enough to deal with them. He's a lovely friend and I know that if he hangs tough, he'll overcome whatever life throws at him.

I came back to the penthouse tired as hell. The job and driving around town drained me. Max The Cat came and went but was a bit of annoying in the morning, but hey.

Paul Oakenfold's playing this weekend and I got an invite. Free. Gratis. Yes. This Saturday I'm dancing again till the morning. Tonight some bands on Hard Rock. Dave and I were planning the weekend as it were. Since I stopped drinking alcohol I'm just watching myself. Normally I don't drink much if at all, but last month definitely got me worried, that's why I stopped. Anyway, I'm out to have fun, dance, be myself. Like always.

Somebody bothered in the last post. Thank you. Been meeting some people online. It's cool. Ok back to work.

Went dancing on Saturday night till the next day. It was good to release all that energy. Of course I came home alone. What do you expect? Still I wished I had someone. The way I was I took a shower and slept in my birthday suit. If I got laid, it would have been perfect. Slept like a baby till the afternoon. Oh man.

Sunday was just zombie mode, really. Total rest.

These past few days I've been extremely busy and guess what? Housesitting the penthouse again. Let's see if this time I'm lucky. Yeah right! Who am I kidding?

I'm in acceptance mode. Deal with it. Move On. It's what's best. Don't dwell on it.

Last night it was mixed emotions. Saw some cool bands. I'm torn between emotions and whether I should stay here or not. I mean, I do want to stay now that I have a job in my field and New York ain't that tempting. The loneliness is killing me and I can't do nothing about it. Right now I just woke up and had a dream Dave was in England and somehow he knew my ex and my ex was sending me notes through him. In the dream I just arrived in England and I was dying to see her. My mind playing tricks on me and my heart going on overdrive. Dancing tonight. Oh and I kept my promise. Drank only cranberry juice and lemon. I guess that's good.

checking out bands with friends. testing my resolve and um, i'll try to have some fun in the process. so there. later.

According to belief.net

40 - 49 Active Spiritual Seeker – Spiritual but turned off by organized religion

1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Liberal Quakers (92%)
3. Neo-Pagan (87%)
4. Secular Humanism (84%)
5. Reform Judaism (78%)
6. Nontheist (74%)
7. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (73%)
8. New Age (73%)
9. Theravada Buddhism (70%)
10. Mahayana Buddhism (69%)
11. Bahá'í Faith (65%)
12. Jainism (63%)
13. Sikhism (60%)
14. Islam (57%)
15. Orthodox Judaism (57%)
16. Hinduism (55%)
17. Scientology (55%)
18. Taoism (50%)
19. New Thought (50%)
20. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (41%)
21. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (38%)
22. Orthodox Quaker (38%)
23. Seventh Day Adventist (34%)
24. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (31%)
25. Eastern Orthodox (16%)
26. Roman Catholic (16%)
27. Jehovah's Witness (12%)

So there hippie.

So here I am on my own (again). Work's been keeping me busy so I don't have time to ponder. I bet the pain's coming in the weekend. It's in the post for sure. Or maybe not. Santos's spinning this Saturday on Sala so I'm so there it's not even funny. I might ask some of my friends to go out, see what happens. I have to go to bed early tonight. Lots of work tomorrow, I might leave early. Heh.

New York City called. I don't know. After all I've been through I think I don't want to do it. It's crazy, I know.

Had a nice little dinner with her and some friends. It was really cool. Had lots of fun. In a way, she looks like a cloud has lifted between us. I'm ok. We want to stay friends and we mean it. It feels good. I'm sure she feels happy about this. I feel good too. I enjoy her company and making her laugh. Lots. Here are some photos of last friday's carousing at Hard Rock:

"oh it's the last time
oh it's the last time
and i've never met anyone
quite like you before"
new order - temptation

life imitates art.
watched "swept away" with her. it was kinda funny and it wasn't as bad as i thought.
afterwards it came. the sailor wasn't the only one dumped last night.
she wanted us to be just friends. i respect her decision and i thank her for her honesty. i wish her the best.
i don't regret anything about it. i gave it a shot for what is worth.
even in this heat, the world feels a bit cold now.
i just wish that i get to meet someone as cool, nice, caring as you. and that it works out.
i also wish that the tears would stop. even though i knew what was coming and that i wouldn't cry over this anymore.
i guess i did want her badly. it was nice being SUFARI for a while. btw, it means Someone U Fuck At Regular Intervals.
I say this without anger or any negative connotations. I just thought the acronym was cool.

**********

last minute gig last night. it was fun. tested some new songs. before that i was reeling from the effects of friday night. but once i ate something and started playing, i was fine.

"again and again
i've taken too much
of the things
that cost you too much"
- new order 'true faith'

i had too much last night. the bands played too much. they were good. i had too much to drink. i felt like crap. i didn't felt sick thanks to the munchies, but i think i gotta stop now. i felt too much last night too. i want it too much and got nothing. in a way i wished she told me to fuck off but that's not the case. what, then? i almost cried in front of her. yeah i want her that badly, i told her this place was empty. i felt unfulfilled. i wanted her to see the sunrise on the city with me. share something that i want to take to my grave with me. but i had to go. otherwise, it'd be ugly. i don't mind crying, but it's something i'd rather do on my own.

"and tonight, nobody gets laid." - dave. at least he's gonna get some. about fucking time, mate.

i got up early today not only to feed the cat. i'm torn between letting it all go away, but these people are my friends too. she's my friend. i will stop drinking. that's for sure, but do I want to stop seeing her? it's not codependency. it's not an obsession. is it wrong to have someone you can be comfortable with? fuck. i'm getting misty eyed. i just wished she tell me. i don't want to see you anymore so at least i can get some closure. shit. tear running down my left eye. this emptiness hits me like a freight train. tonight we run in separate ways. gig. i better start programming, even though i feel like crying, like jumping out of that balcony, but i know i won't. i want to see how this ends. i want to play this game. i want too much out of life and out of the few people that get close to me. even though i know this there is no certainty, no promises, no oaths, nothing and no one to hold on to.

i drank to get numb. i almost got sick. that's no reason for drinking. no liquor for me. at least for a while.

i'm sorry baby. i'm sorry that this pathetic simpering excuse for a man is falling for you. he's aware of the warnings, the things you said. still..........i'd give everything for a kiss from your lips, your warmth, your hand in mine.

the dam burst. here comes the flood. apres le deluge.