"again and again
i've taken too much
of the things
that cost you too much"
- new order 'true faith'

i had too much last night. the bands played too much. they were good. i had too much to drink. i felt like crap. i didn't felt sick thanks to the munchies, but i think i gotta stop now. i felt too much last night too. i want it too much and got nothing. in a way i wished she told me to fuck off but that's not the case. what, then? i almost cried in front of her. yeah i want her that badly, i told her this place was empty. i felt unfulfilled. i wanted her to see the sunrise on the city with me. share something that i want to take to my grave with me. but i had to go. otherwise, it'd be ugly. i don't mind crying, but it's something i'd rather do on my own.

"and tonight, nobody gets laid." - dave. at least he's gonna get some. about fucking time, mate.

i got up early today not only to feed the cat. i'm torn between letting it all go away, but these people are my friends too. she's my friend. i will stop drinking. that's for sure, but do I want to stop seeing her? it's not codependency. it's not an obsession. is it wrong to have someone you can be comfortable with? fuck. i'm getting misty eyed. i just wished she tell me. i don't want to see you anymore so at least i can get some closure. shit. tear running down my left eye. this emptiness hits me like a freight train. tonight we run in separate ways. gig. i better start programming, even though i feel like crying, like jumping out of that balcony, but i know i won't. i want to see how this ends. i want to play this game. i want too much out of life and out of the few people that get close to me. even though i know this there is no certainty, no promises, no oaths, nothing and no one to hold on to.

i drank to get numb. i almost got sick. that's no reason for drinking. no liquor for me. at least for a while.

i'm sorry baby. i'm sorry that this pathetic simpering excuse for a man is falling for you. he's aware of the warnings, the things you said. still..........i'd give everything for a kiss from your lips, your warmth, your hand in mine.

the dam burst. here comes the flood. apres le deluge.