Had a horrible afternoon. Wanted to see her and some friends in the mall and I was out the door. Fucking traffic jam, buses running late and me sticky due to the heat. Me feeling all that and my frustration and longing. I called them on the cellphone and took the bus home, frustrated. A friend called me and took me to see "Tears of The Sun". Good war flick. I went hoeme and I thought to myself of all the things I should be doing at my age. And I haven't. Of all things I should have and I don't. Of all the things I miss and I need, but don't have. And I was talking to Dave and I basically lost it. Tears streaming down. Deception, rage, frustration. If I had more guts I would've ended all this pain and misery a long time ago, but I can't. I guess I can nail it down to cowardice or self-preservation. I guess there's always tomorrow. I just want to sleep. Don't wake up. Make it go away. I'm still crying as I write this. Pathetic.