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Gig tomorrow wooooooooooo. Someone wants to kick my ass. I feel really scared now!

Rehearsals for the upcoming gig went well. Bernice brought the wine and we brought our insanity. Nice mix. I hope the show goes as planned. Need to talk to S. about things. She said we need to have a chat, and actually we do. Anyway, things are going pretty good in other aspects of my life. S and I are just going out, nothing's happening and I don't think it will, but I guess one must remain hopeful. Let's see what happens after our little chat.

Station meeting tomorrow. Gig on Wendesday. Whoooooooo!

Well in the news you usually look for "man bites dog" stories. Well how about donkey bites boy?

Watched "The Royal Tennembaums" on DVD and "Eight Legged Freaks" with my friends. Much needed laughter. Talked to S. again and we know we need to get together up close and personal and really talk. I still fear the worst, but life has taught me not to assume anything. Still I am hopeful. Now if I could somehow get some sleep. :)

Ok there's a bright spot in all of this:

I just ran into six songs of a band I heard years ago on a Rough Trade sampler. They were called Sweet Jesus. I heard a song called "Phonefreak". Well the full title is "Phonefreak Honey" and I found six of their songs on the net. I was amazed. The other five are just as good and shows how cruel life can be sometimes when a band this good doesn't make it.

Anyway, got their tunes for posterity and also got House Of Love's "I Don't Know Why I Love You" which I've been looking for a while too. If I can get th' Faith Healers' Reptile Smile and Caspar Brotzmann Massaker's Koksofen, I'll be happy.

It's been a year since I started writing this. It's another anniversary of sorts. The more things change.... You can tell it's one of those days. I am sorry. Listening to old New Order, Yazoo and other groups.

All it takes is one misplaced joke and it all goes downhill. Shit. I'm sorry. Here I am expecting the worse. Yeah I know, drama, but I can't help it. Just the thing I need now. I think I fucked it up. For what it's worth you were the best thing that happened to me since I came back here. And now it's all gone wrong. Pray that I'm wrong, that I'm mistaken. It sure feels otherwise. I am sorry.

Went to Old San Juan to see S. She's so beautiful. I liked her dress. Talked a bit while walking around the Old City. Ended up at a free concert and met Mista Dave there. I like her a lot because we can talk about mostly everything and she's funny, witty entertaining. I hope she reads this one because she makes me feel good. Makes me smile and laugh. I miss that a lot. Then she wonders why there's a song named after her. Now you know. Always looking forward to see you. Take care.

Here I am slepless, restless. Again. Tossing, turning. Trying to get some sleep. Something. I don't want to be aware. I don't want to be awake. I don't want to feel. This. Emptiness. Waves of longing. Waves of regret. Things that should be buried surface. Feelings considered done and dealt with. Emerge. And it fucking hurts me. Cause if anything, I don't want this to overtake me again. I have a right to feel happy. With myself. With others. I cannot turn black the clock. I faced the music and dealt with the outcome. Still it comes. And I'd wish I had someone at my side. To kiss. To hold. To caress. To tell me it's alright. That's the past, I'm here for you. That would soothe me. Right now I have none of that. Friends are always welcome, but I need more than that. Something to make me feel alive and worthy. Please. I want to feel that again. Please.

Rehearsal today and announcing the birth of Boutique Endorfina. Antartica will be my outlet for solo electronics or with a guitarrist. B.E. is pretty much what Antartica was until now. Check it out.

I took the
What Mythological Creature Are you? test by Peaceful Chaos !

So what do you think? Watched WWE's Vengeance PPV with some friends. That was fun! Yeah I know, but wrestling is one of my few guilty pleasures. Heheh.

I don't expect this one to make a whole lotta sense. After downing five glasses of wine and a cranberry and vodka, on an empty stomach, things don't make much sense. But they sure are funny. Carlitos and I went to Mario Panoptika's apartment for this welcome bash. Nice little place near the university. Lots of people I don't know but hey, they were cool. Laughed a lot. Carlitos and I were the evening's heroes apparently. We came, we saw, we conquered. It was nice if S. was there. Needed someone to share the good vibes. I was tipsy but hey, it is nice.

Before that, the radio show. As far as shows go, we had to improvise a lot, but we're pros dammnit and we pulled it off nicely. Got some choice Enrique Bunbury tunes to like. So it went beautiful.

I'm eating something and drinking lots of water. No hangovers for tomorrow. It was a really good evening. Joy de Vivre, I guess. Seized the moment and enjoyed it at it's fullest.

Night night.

Ok here's the latest antartica release. Buy in mass quantities. The shape of things to come. Something to give you while we get together and record with the proper band. I'm happy with it. Looking forward to the new stuff. Aside from that, well, if you happen to read this often (thanks and dare I call you a masochist/voyeur?), you know my usual needs, woes and worries. Let's just see if things change in those aspects.

sleep won't come, so i give you these:

Went with the boys to see "Reign Of Fire". Entertaining way to kill 2 hours. S. called. Got "American Gods" to her. Let's see what she makes of it. Radio show tomorrow and I wish I could see her. Also I might go clubbing tomorrow night. Need some dough. Ach.

2:22 in the morning. Gotta catch some rest.

Night.

Last night......

Met Pri, Bernice, Ian and Carlitos at the Blue Agape Bar to see Herman (aka the man searching for fun) spin. Really cool place. Killer tunes by Mr. Herman. Went for a quick one at Enlaces so Pri could see Amado and Over. Pri is a proud auntie of a boy. Hope to see him today. Real cute boy. S. was off at the movies watching "Road To Perdition". Wish I could see the movie. Let's see what the weekend holds.

On the way home, Bernice and I had one of our conversations regarding relationships, it was intense. New Order on the background and all. During it I said something that it was really hard to say because I was trying to hold back some tears. "What I really, really want in life, is someone who understands and accepts me for what I am, and I understand and accept her in return. I love music and I always will, but I cannot feel truly happy nor complete without that in my life."

Just finished watching "Monster's Ball". Wow. Really good film.

I wished I could talk to S right now. There are few moments when I really fell good. Playing with the band, hanging out with my friends, or just sitting down talking with S. Yeah I need love and affection, but I also need the company. Sometimes I just feel lonely. Really lonely. I sometimes walk the streets by myself. Just to get that away. Sometimes I create music. Music being one of my outlets. But sometimes I don't have that at hand or it's not enough. I need to feel a voice or chat with someone who understands you, who gets it. I also need to listen. Dialogue. Interaction. I really miss that. If you're reading this, I appreciate the fact that you take the time to see me and talk. I really enjoy your company. I don't want to blow it. Let me know because I don't want to be a bother. Thanks. Take care.

I think I'm going bed after I watch another movie.

Take care,

Man O Man!!!!! This one's for all of you Thomas Harris fans. This film has the cast down pat *and* the screenwriter of Silence of The Lambs. Enough said. GO!!!!

Last night's gig

Aleph - Blues and some stoner rock. They're ok but they don't move me as much. Oh well.
Ongo - Live they're so much better than on the record. Really intense and energetic.
Polbo - I loved their mp3's and they're so much better and funnier live. Think the Pixies kicking Weezer's ass for their lunch money. Great harmonies, solid songwriting, nice timing on the song. I was very impressed.

Went to see S. She was a bit sick but it was good seeing her. Kitipri's big sis is giving birth today.

Morning. Lots to do. Little time to do it. Better get going.

Rehearsal today with Antartica. Really cool. A couple of new songs and everyone's happy. Tomorrow I'm going to see Aleph, Polbo and Ongo. Polbo and Ongo are great. I haven't seen Aleph yet. Also seeing the lovely Ms. S. Hopefully. :) Creative wise I'm doing ok and that's the way I like it.

It's official! The Musique Concrete Ensemble remix is done. It's called Sylvie's Dub. You can download sample of it here. Enjoy!

My friend Kitipri is in town and she's going to be an auntie. Yay! So we've got some clubbing to do.

Which David Bowie are you?

And then you wonder why "Heroes" is my favorite Bowie album and "Ashes To Ashes" is my favorite song.

Rehearsals with Golpe Justo went very well. Lots of fun and screaming. The way I like it. Had to deal with some unpleasantness with management after the DJ gig with Jorge Castro, but hopefully, that will pass. If not, well, that's life. I don't need the aggravation. Hopefully it will all be sorted out.

Finally finished "American Gods". Loved it. Not as good as "Neverwhere", but really good Gaiman. I still think the Marquis de Carabas as my favorite Gaiman literary character. Of course my favorite Sandman character is the most cheerful sibling of The Endless: Death.

The gig with Golpe Justo. Man! I got all that pent up energy and unleashed it on everyone. We were jumping and singing and just fucking having a blast. Beautiful. Sheer catharsis.

Went out with Bernice, Carlitos and S. over to Blue Jeans to watch Oruga and Macrodelirio. Oruga as always kicks ass. Macrodelirio sounds too much like other bands for me to like. Had a really productive day and an enjoyable evening. Finished a song with Bernice and created another one and the evening went fine. I got over the pinkeye btw. Medicated aggressively. Gone. Today got a rehearsal with Golpe Justo and another DJ set with Jorge Castro. Busy busy busy. My heart races whenever I see her, but I need to be patient.

Just finished recording a killer comp for S., a score for a friend's performance and starting a remix for the musique concrete ensemble. Keeping myself busy to avoid gloom doom and boredom. In other news, I got pinkeye. Bummer. Oh well. Gotta go. Need some rest.

Just came back from DJing at Candela along with Noel Villegas. Much better and shorter set. It was fun mixing some original material with stuff from Curve and 2 Long Swordsmen. Went over to S's place to drop her a couple of CD's. Saw her flat (as in apartment you sods!). Nice little place she has. Lovely woman she is. *Smiles* Haven't felt like that for a while. Maybe she's the reason I actually got to do a really cool DJ set. Had some people and several lovely ladies dancing. Yes. Impressed. Heh. Thanks to Iohann and Mica for dropping me in the nick of time. Noel also DJd a killer set. Some really cool tunes. Flipped when I heard Wire's "Ahead". Haven't heard that one in a loooooong while. The Band of Susans cover was good too. Managed to burn another cd for S. Probably will give it to her this Friday. Let's see what happens this weekend.

Tomorrow and Friday are going to be so hectic. I better hit the sack. G'night.

GJ show cancelled. Going through American Gods. Really cool book. Bit dissapointed but hey. Bernice was supposed to call to go out with Jorge and the crew. Guess she forgot. Bad things comes in threes and last night my dad got sick and scared the shit outta me. I'm gonna finish that book tonight and then look for some sunshine. the emotional kind.

Update: Starting Neil Gaiman's "American Gods". Either it was that or the latest issue of "The Wire" w/DJ Shadow on the cover and other assorted musical icons. What would you choose? Borders. I like it. A lot.

Show with Golpe Justo tonight at Rumba.

Things are running smoothly. Sort of. Getting some stuff done for the tattoo convention and a show tomorrow. Rented "Spy Game" and "The Mothman Prophecies". Second one is brilliant. From the same team that brought "Arlington Road". Suspenseful and creepy as hell. Aside from that, not much. Wrote two new riffs to play with. Let's see what happens.

Went this morning to Eze's blog to take a little test. If I was a character on Kevin Smith's View Askew Universe, I'd be

Which Recurring Kevin Smith Character Are You? Take the test here

This is the part where my godmother would yell "I KNEW IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" but then to her, everyone is gay. I have bisexual, gay and lesbian friends whom I adore and love and I know the shit they went through when discovering their sexuality. If I was gay, I don't think I'd have a problem admitting to it. I don't feel the need to hide my sexual orientation. I am what I am to paraphrase from Le Cage Aux Folles. People will either accept me or won't. That's their problem.

Saturdayyyyyyyyyyy

Woke up in an extremely cheerful mode. "I feel so extraordinary" . New Order indeed. Went to the station to download more plugins for my machine. Cool. Carlitos was on his way to pick me up to the gig. Vicious rain. Both of us made it to soundcheck. Bernice and Jorge were on their way and the soundman was a fucking idiot even though there was no one at the venue. Bernice and Jorge arrived, we did an improptu soundcheck and played 4 songs. It was cool and funny as hell.

Then it was off to eat some chicken pinchos (shish kebabs for all of you out there) and talk with the band. Then back to the venue to go to Barfly. I did a DJ set and the guys wanted to play so.......they played a set by themselves while I took a little break and then we all got together to play after a set. It was fun but I was saddened by internal shit that I have to resolve. Things have the potential for the better and I see the wave coming. I gotta ride it and ride it well. Can't afford to crash this time. I kinda went off to my mates for a while but I quickly apologized and told them it was not my fault. I was going through some akward thought process and I needed to sort it out. It took some sleep and time with my friends Alberto, Robert and Alex the next day (today).

Just being with four guys who I've been forever with, playing an RPG and laughing our asses off at our wisecracks took that bad feeling off. Catch that wave and ride it. Go with the flow. I'll suceed and ride to the sunset when the credits roll.

S called me and I'm glad she liked the mixed cd I gave her. I have to burn her a CD of Antartica stuff again. Snafu? Don't know. What I do know is that I gotta burn her some more stuff probably Chuck E. Weiss, more Dog Faced Hermans. Shoot I should get that live album and burn her a copy. It's that good. On that note, got Antipop Consortium's Arrhythmia CD from Hip Hop Vox's Tek 9. Damn! those New Yorkers are good. Gotta burn him Techno Animal so he can get some of that.

On a technical note: The Rioport CD player is the shiznit. Nice piece of technology to play with. Thanks Miguel for lending it to me for the DJ set. Carlitos is off this week for a well deserved vacation. Playing with Golpe Justo this Tuesday and Sunday. Gotta burn a mix for Wilfredo's performance on Sunday. Keeping myself busy. Good.

Cut. :D

What A Day!
Morning to afternoon >>> sending packages paying bills getting my haircut
afternoon >>> going to noctambulo and trying to track down noel for a dj gig
evening >>>> what can I say?

First off, I'm sorry for being late but a situation held me down and I left a message to give a call to S. but to no avail. Once I met her. Man! God you're so much beautiful up close and personal. I was in awe for the rest of the evening. Had drinks at Hard Rock. It was good to see you blush. Then we headed off for Transylvania for dinner. Dinner was good. Conversation much better. It's great to know that there's someone out there in your age group that you can relate to. Smart, witty, cool observations about life, travel, music. Wow. Eventually even though we sort of had to deal with an improptu flooding, nothing serious, mind you, we had to call it a night. Walked her home and we just talked. Nice. Relaxed. Laid back. Nice evening, said our goodbyes nice kiss and a hug. I actually look forward to meeting you again. I enjoyed it. I haven't felt this good in awhile. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to meet the funny, intelligent, witty, sensitive, smart, well educated person that you are and have a great weekend! :)

Afterwards I headed back to Hard Rock Cafe to see Icaro Azul. Good as always then meet Andy and Juan. More drinks (on their end) I only had a beer afterwards. TabaCo sucks so much it's not even funny. Then again it's just my opinion. Left for Barfly. Finally got to see Andy's exhibition. Nice pictures, love Ingrid's portrait. Met Jose Ramon and Javier Tous there. Not for long though. Went back home listening to Muse and Morbo. Muse are like Radiohead's really pissed off little brother and Morbo are a Mexican New Order mixed with a bit of Smashing Pumpkins.

All in all a good day. Gig and DJ thingie tomorrow. Happy happy joy joy. :)

Later tonight. Hopefully we'll meet. We'll take it from there. Just eager to meet her. Rehearsals with Antartica are going fantastic. Beautiful music being done. Really cool vibe. Gig on saturday. Probably DJing @ barfly later that evening. It doesn't stop.

Extremely happy. Phoned her again. Hopefully getting together. Soon. Got some stuff for her. Hope she likes them. It's really cool to be able to talk with someone. Even if it's for five mintues. Looking forward to it. Sampled some stuff for my friends of Golpe Justo and even managed to sang (or scream actually) with them. That was really cool and cathartic. I miss them lots and it was a good fime for all involved. Show on Saturday. Possibly another rehearsal tomorrow and looking forward to chat wth her. Yes. Happy. Thank you.

It's the fist time in awhile that I'm happy. Happy because I talked to her even for a short while. Because for the first time in awhile, someone actually wants to meet me. Talk to me and getting to know me. Also the rehearsal was really good. Better than most. I actually look forward to meet and get to know her. She's the best thing that happened to me in a while. *Grinning*.

Finished "The Fountains Of Paradise". Station meeting. Rehearsal. Aside from that, not much going on.

Halfway through "The Fountains Of Paradise" probably gonna start reading James Gleick's "Chaos". I wonder if Carmelo still has "Godel, Escher, Bach" and "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" available. Also busy watching some movies and downloading plugins for my sequencer. I'm trying to keep myself busy.

Called her. Lovely voice. Me and my sense of timing though, that's a laugh.