angst
angst against this inertia
this boredom
this routine
this.....
righteous anger
the kind that i need to get up today
and face whatever the day brings
in a way i'm tired and weary
and somedays i don't even want to get up
but i have to
i must
otherwise, there's no point in breathing
marylin manson said he doesn't have enough middle fingers
me neither
and i don't have mouth big enough to scream and to puke into this world
never mind.
mondays..........

system status
256 mb ram
801 mhz celeron processor
internal cd burner (more like a cd rom as far as i'm concerned)
30gb hd (double partition win2k and debian linux)
external cardbus to usb2 hub
usb 1.1 hub
external 80 gb hard drive
external 52x burner (lovely)
internal 56k modem/ethernet card
external 56k modem (for linux)
external dsl modem
nice little firewall/antivirus fuck you very much
myie2 browser (win)
mozilla browser (linux)
kindacheap printer i rarely use but it's there

yes, i'm bored. need to know anything else? ;)

i'm at a crossroads, in a manner of speaking.
i feel that the way things are, this life is not fulfilling.
i got a job that pays the bills, but i'm not at the level i feel i should be.
in fact, it's all becoming mundane, routine. nothing special.
change is needed.
or at least something that can fulfill me.
something useful. something worthy and practical.
something to show for and something that doesn't only fulfill me. others as well.
i was seriously considering researching for humanitarian work. my condition kind of prevents me of doing some of it.
reading mister ducky/s blog, i might research into volunteering.
the idea is noble and let's research if it's doable. i need to make some good in this world. help someone else. doing that, i'll help myself as well. let's see how this develops.

i was thinking of posting some stuff about "all that could've been" regarding my life story, but i won't dwell in the past. gotta look forward.

yesterday i became the proud uncle of twin babies. a boy and a girl. i'm so proud of my younger bro and wish him and his family the best. i do miss him.

friday. bills paid. a usb 2 card that actually works and watching "the order". it was ok. need to shave and get a haircut. aside from that, downloaded and testing morphix. definetely the linux distros that ze laptop loves are knoppix and morphix. also slackware-live but with that ze laptop needs to use ze external mouse.

home at last, damnit. watching some movies. checking some of the stuff around. keeping tabs with friends, talking to v., trying to be supportive as i can. aside from that, trying to distract myself as much as i can.

new versions for knoppix and slackware-live (see links at your right) distros out two days ago. downloaded and tested. installed this new version of knoppix on the hard drive with their new install script. worked well and so far so good. if you're interested in linux hit linux.org and check out their free online course linux for beginners. very informative and good reading. also checkint out morphix distro. so far, i would heartily recommend the following distros:

knoppix
slackware-live
gnoppix
mandrake

actually knoppix is the one residing on the laptop because it manages to recognize a lot of my hardware. it's the ideal version for me but there are plenty of distros to choose from, so check em out.

v. called and i had to cut it short due to the fact that i was eating and trying to sort out a problem. tried to call her back but she wasn't available. hope she wasn't mad at me or something. no i wasn't mad at you either. bloody cellphone had also reception problems. sorry.

Blame Alleykat for pointing me out to this: ;)

What Is Your Battle Cry?

Rampaging out of the mountains, clutching a sharpened screwdriver, cometh Popu! And he gives an ominous howl: "I'm going to exfoliate you to the bone!"

Find out! Enter username: Are you a girl, or a guy ?

created by beatings : powered by monkeys

Finally got Linux here. Got Knoppix installed in the laptop and it's working even better than Mandrake Linux. It's so cool. Now if I can get the modem working, it'd be beautiful. I have the external modem connected so it should work beautifully.

watched "underworld" and "dirty pretty things" in the last 48 hours. underworld's alright. dirty pretty things was brilliant. a lot of self analysis these days and definitely it looks like i'm gonna become the angry crazy codger. pretty much alone in the world, but i'd rather stay that way than deal with any more drama and bullshit. looking for another job. swear to god, next one won't have anything to do with customer service or dealing with people. sick of it. aside from that finally bought a replacement for my external drive and managed to back it up as well. so i'm happy. for now.

saturday was so beautiful, i could've died then and there. dancing, reunited with friends, good libations, good vibes, killer djs. it was gorgeous and gourgeousity like alex would say. too bad about the heat but i'm used too. bringing out the funk with a vengeance. literally.

been sick yesterday and today. stomach bug. and i got to witness the singular beauty and surrealness of a full blown car crash. this jerk was speeding all the way, didn't manage to hit a car pulled to the left and then a hard right to go right past the red light, but the fucker didn't count on the laws of physics and the car turned over and crash. nasty one. did i happen to mention that the fucker almost hit me as well? i dialed 911 and some people went over to check on the driver but i was on my way to work so I did my part. still it was surreal to see that jeep flying thru the air and crashing.

yes, i'm pretty numb and casual about it. in a way, that's scary but the guy was speeding.

got linux running in a partition in the computer. whenever i get the fucker to work with a modem, that will be the day. heh.

johnny cash died. my heroes are dropping off the face of the planet.
well, at least the pixies are back! but the man in black will be sorely missed. at least he'll be in heaven with "one thousand million angels singing" at his side. rest in peace.

had a nice chat with v. a few hours ago. i hope she manages to accomplish her goals. best of luck.

yeah it's been two years since everything changed. two years since i last spoke to the love of my life and never heard from her again. i hope she's fine wherever she is. still miss her.

not much to say except that i've got a new burner. external so finally i can finally get some of that lovely stuff on cd form. like other os's basically to experiment.

dealing with the new version of knoppix live linux. definitely this one still rawks. i love it. seriously considering whether to repartition the hard drive on my computer in order to have it permanently, but definetely the charm lies on an installation on a cd that needs no partition. sweet.

planning, plotting, pondering, much ado about.........

anyway, i'm doing fine in my job according to my bosses, but i don't see myself doing what i currently do for an extended period of time. there's so much shit i can take, and i don't need any more thrown in my lap. let's see what the future brings.

meanwhile, aside from that, i stopped making plans. long range. thinking short term reachable goals. something i can accomplish. once those are established maybe i'll get back to long range planning. right now i want to take each day on it's own and enjoy the moment. zen-like.

yeah, i'm difficult, weird, strange, sometimes paranoid, sometimes too careful, sometimes too careless and daring. well, that's me baby. you can take it or leave it. i stopped being accomodating a long time ago. lot of good it did.

thanks rose for being there. thanks mari for looking out. thanks big al for your friendship and our tete a tetes. thanks to mista ducky for writing his heart out and making me think, laugh and cry in the same paragraph. thanks v. for your voice and your wiiiiiiiiii and your gay obssession and the method to your 'madness'. thanks to the ones that stick around, that are true to themselves, that can dish it out and take it. the ones that are not afraid to be honest. i love you all. you make life worth living. i might not say it, but i freaking mean it. love the lot of you.

fucking hell. warren zevon dies. the good ones leave and we're stuck with the mediocre moronic ones. not fair. my heroes are dead or dying.

well after too much thought and after failing to reach her so many times i had sort of a long talk with v. i decided to break up on friendly terms with her. she's too busy trying to sort out her life, i'm busy with mine, but basically i think having a relationship does not fit her particular set of priorities. god knows she's getting too much flak from school and work. i felt like a 5th wheel really so i told her i want to end this. i told her i wanted to end it in friendly terms and i guess that's the general understanding of it. i gave it an honest try and i guess it ran it's course. too fucking bad. move on. i'm not mad, nor hurt. frustrated, maybe, but i gave us an honest shot. too bad things got too busy. oh well, like the cure sang, "another girl, another name".

in other news some people feel entitled to show up their faces when the door was slammed in them due to their lack of integrity, honesty, etc. etc. etc. now they feel entitled to demand things from me. excuse you, FUCK YOU! in big bold capital shiny letters. go back to the whole you crawled from, you piece of shit. don't even think you've got any rights. you forfeited those with your treachery you maggot.

ok, i feel so much better now. closing chapters in my life. let's look for openings.......

angst.
torpor.
inertia.

i think i saw a column with that name somewhere in a maximumrockn'roll once. still, it's a great description of my internal landscape. those three words and my choice of working hours pretty much sums up my exile from any social interaction of late. i don't think i don't have the patience and the energy to deal with pettiness, shallowness, ignorance from people. i don't have the stomach to take in shit from so-called friends. in these moments you truly know where your friends are and the ones who actually bother are much appreciated. shit, i know people have their own set of problems too, so that's not a biggie.

i guess it also explains why i haven't even bothered to shave and get a haircut. i should, though, but i don't even bother. i need rest and i'm getting it. i need a social life, but it definetely has to be on my terms. i'm keeping in touch with the few people that matter in this life, V. and I haven't seen each other for weeks and with her current situation, at least I give her a phonecall or an email, I hope it helps. I'm just being philosophical about this because damned if I ever am going to waste my time on self-pity and depression.

having said that, the idea of being one of the few people truly alive and human in a land infested by zombie like creatures really appeals to me. 28 Days Later anyone? As in said movie, not many of the remaining uninfected humans are particularly sane but in my case I'm working on it. Sometimes keeping your sanity and cool is just half the struggle, but I'm getting there. I'd like to think that I don't want too much from life, but then again, in a way you have to be ready for it if you want it. Right now there are things that I want in my life and unless I change my current circumstances, I won't get them. I'm also working on that. No one said that reaching for truly worthy things in life was going to be easy. The struggle is hard. The struggle is beautiful. Killing Joke got that one down pat.

In the computer front, yes Knoppix still rules. Got also Slackware Live which is very nice. Downloading SUSE and SkyOS live cd distros to check them out. Keep in mind that SkyOS is another type of OS different from Linux. Might take a peek at FreeBSD just to check it out properly. Yes, my name is Jose and I am a geek. Fuck off!

I don't know if any of the above made any sense, but being that this is my place to rant, rave and pretty much blow up some steam, it will have to do.

Cheers!

well september comes with a new shift. thursday and friday off what more can i ask? finally got to see 28 days later. not bad at all. i liked it. big al didn't. oh well. ;) aside from that i'm considering doing a remix for some friends of mine and not much at the moment. i can finally get some sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.