Closure

This morning of all days, I found out something. Last year, I posted a message about LMC's whereabouts in a UK People Finder message board in a really vain attempt to see if someone could point me in her direction or at the very least, tell me to fuck off. I didn't check it in a long while. Today, of all days, I ventured. There was a reply dated 4 months ago from a KM, whom I suspect is her father or one of her brothers.

Here it is:

REPLY ON: 19/12/2005

From K M
Born: 0
Town: Birmingham
Significant Date: 0

JR
Im affraid she is no longer with us. If you are the JR from US. She never survived the op. Her family and friends miss her.

I hope you find peace and closure.

It's almost 5 AM as of this writing and I have no way of confirming this. Right now I am numb. I will try to confirm it in the following days. When we last spoke she had an operation due. It was a cause for concern, but nothing that serious. I guess I was wrong. I have to confirm some stuff with my friends, but if this is true, one loose end of my life is tied rather unexpectedly.

Long ago after we broke up, I had a dream that she passed away. It was winter. Some of her family and friends drove me to her tomb. It was a gray and cold day. A bit of snow. I asked them to leave me there. I could go back on a cab. I gave my condolensces to the family. They left me there. Yes, there was resentment, but they agreed to my wishes. I carried a bag with me and a bouquet of roses. I laid the bouquet in her tombstone. It was gray. I started to tell her what I really wanted to tell her all this time. In the bag there was a bottle of her favorite rum. Ron El Barrilito. I put the bottle beside the roses. Every now and then I took a swig while telling her what I would tell her right now if I was there. I was crying. The rum kept me warm. I went on my knees and hugged the tombstone. It was getting darker and I was getting tipsy. I was down there for a while. Maybe it was the cold. Maybe it was the pain that I was feeling at that moment, but in the dream I died right then and there. I let the cold and the grief take me down and I died.

Anyway, I guess my subconscious knew and let me know a long time ago. I just needed the reply to accept it. Right now I don't know if it's the truth or not. It's not that I'm in denial, but you know how the 'net works. Right now I am calm. A bit sad, but calm. Like I expected this to happen. Apparently, it did. I haven't cried. Apparently the tears I shed years ago during and after the breakup are enough for now. Time and distance have had their effect. Acceptance seems to be easier.

Anyway, what a day to start April Fool's Day and what way to close this chapter in my life. Here's my little eulogy:

LEMC 1974-2002?

Lover, girlfriend, companion, mother, soulmate, goth, rocker. Fan of Aerosmith, Type O Negative, Queen, Love/Hate, Placebo, Marylin Manson. Buffy The Vampire Slayer, The X-Files, and Angel. You will be sorely missed. I still have our pictures. NIN's "Closer", Depeche Mode's "In Your Room", The Sisters of Mercy's "Lucretia My Reflection" and U2's "Beautiful Day" will never be the same without you. If there's a Heaven above, you're there. My sincere condolences to your family and friends. For what it's worth I've always missed you, loved you and I'm sorry things ended up badly for us. This world is less bearable by your passing, but you're free. See you in the next life, baby. Rest in Peace.

And now you'll excuse me. I have 3 exams waiting for me in my course, some information to confirm and some grieving to do. Have a great weekend, people.

I do have a sense of closure. It's the peace thing that's hard to achieve.

Update: LS giving me much needed support. She understands. Thank you hon. My parents, emotionally distant, as always. Then they wonder why I don't talk to them at all. Aced 2 of the 3 exams. I will repeat the third one. Thought hard about how to achieve some internal peace, but I'd rather keep this one to myself. I don't want to make any rash decisions about that. Might try to stop by Don Pablo tonight for some much needed drinky drinks. Communion's back. Will keep you posted.