Ironically just when I give in and look for a phonecard to call my ex, the drugstore doesn't carry any. God has a sick sense of humour.

I'm hungry. I got an offer to fly to Orlando or Nashville. Fighting the urges to call the ex again. Jesus I'm more desperate than WIlliam H. Macy's character in Magnolia. Great film though.

I need a Beautiful Day. It's so uneventful and I'm slacking so much it's not even funny. Get out of that circle.

Procastrination. In every aspect of my life. I know I know. Get your shit together son. I have to. I need to.

I dreamt last night
I stood outside Beaver Hall, Penn State, University Park, PA with my old roommate Tom Joyce and an older woman
He said she was her girlfriend. We spoke for a while then I left.....
....to a room somewhere in Puerto Rico. There was a bunch of us taking instructions from her.
She was giving us some mangoes when I saw her. My ex. She waved me hi. The kids were there too. She smiled.
The lady finished her speech and I went straight to her.
"Hi. What are you doing here?"- I was amazed.
"Come with us."-she replied. I was full of questions.
She led me to an apartment. There was some furniture set up but lots of boxes, like she was moving in.
"I'm at a loss here" - I said to her. I was speechless. I gaver her some mangoes and to the kids.
She led me to a bedroom. There was a futon there. THe kids were watching TV and eating mangoes in the living room.
She led me to the bedroom and was lying on top of me.
We started kissing. "Come home to your wife." -she said.
I was speechless, not believing it.
I woke up.
Damn! Just when I have all this conflicts whether or not to call, my subconscious sneaks up on me.
I hate this......

"Sitting at our home
Stare at the wall
Look at each other
and wait 'til we die."

- Big Black "Kerosene"

"Sleep comes
like a drug
In God's Country
Red eyes
Crooked crosses
In God's Country"

- U2 "God's Country"

Four words are hitting my head at the speed of thought. Even though I have some stuff I'm looking forward to do, it's not enough motivation. Now that really scares me. I should be looking forward for these things, but I cannot even relax at my parent's house. I'm getting the itch again. That travelling itch. Four words echo in my head: I DON'T BELONG HERE. I'm a stranger in my own land.

I had to restrain myself from buying a phonecard and calling you. I just wanted to know how you were doing. Yeah, I was the one who left, but I know you're the one laughing now. I just want to know how you're doing. I miss you lots. If you're reading this, I bet you are smiling.

Need to sleep. Bored to bits. Later.

I feel like I want to scream. A really loud and long one. Until my throat is raw. One born out of frustration, boredom. How come the place I was born is hot, humid, expensive? Maybe it's not because I don't like the place I'm in. I'm mostly angry at myself. I think I've failed in some aspects. At least the decisions were mine. No one pointed a gun at my head. Grin. Bear it. Take it like a man.

After some well deserved rest, relaxation, sleep, some programming and after watching "Impostor" and "Ocean's Eleven", I'm bored to bits today. Got some upcoming gigs on February the 1st and the 16th. I don't know what else to say except that I need to alleviate this boredom. Got my medical insurance card so I gotta find the directory now. Time to start taking care of myself. Watching Traffic now on DVD. Geez Catherine Zeta-Jones is so fucking hot.

hell is other people
hell is around the corner
lurking for passersby
hell awaits
hell is isolation
hell is an uncomfortable silence
hell is rejection
and living through it
hell is living through
a bad call
hell reminds you
of every mistake you made
hell laughs at you
chews you up
spits you out
and starts all over
help me
i'm in hell

.....lovely monday morning, innit?

mi ramera
mi angel
regresa
y hazme tuyo

I feel
cold as a razorblade
tight as a tourniquet
dry as a funeral drum

- pink floyd

I've been trying to make sense of everything around me. I've been trying to hold the urges to get a phonecard and call my ex, just to see how she's doing. I still care about her in the most basic level even though I know it's over. Watched 'Ghost Dog' last night for the nth time. Love that film.

I didn't get to meet my classmate. He had some family chores to take care off. Oh well, I haven't seen him in the last 16 years, so it's no big deal. Daniel Ash has a new album out. Wheee!!!!

On the suicide tip, Suicide as in the band (Alan Vega and Martin Rev) are making a new record. Their first in 8 years. It should be out soon. I was watching "Made" on DVD last night while fighting a bout of food poisoning. Sean Comb's acting chops surprised me. He should be an actor instead of making really bad rap jams.

I want to do a post on suicide and other rants I have on my mind, but I haven't got the time to put it down. Also rented The Soprano's 2nd Season on DVD to keep me busy. I filled out one of those silly questionnaires. You can find it here.

A classmate of mine is coming over. I haven't seen him for over 16 years. Things are so different and fucked up now. It's going to be interesting.

Shit. I need to get laid ASAP. Sorry if it ain't politically correct, fuck it, but my libido's in overdrive these days. Harder for me, being selective and all.

I need strength
Strength to hold on to whatever can give me some meaning
cause I need it now.

Show me how to smile again
How to live again
How to appreciate what I got
Hold my hand
Kiss me
How to breath again
Inhale
Exhale
Love exists
Just let me show you

"The Struggle Is Hard, The Struggle Is Beautiful" - Killing Joke

Let me show you what love is
Love makes you feel complete
Love makes you smile
Love makes you whole
Love gives you strength
Love makes you do things
You've never done before
Love makes you feel alive
That's what love's about

"The difference between an optimist, a pessimist and a cynic is that an optimist will say: 'pass the cream please', a pessimist will ask: 'is there any milk left?' and a cynic will remark: 'yeah, there's plenty pal, and it’s all gone sour'." - Gerald Suster

SHUT UP EVERYBODY AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!


now I guess I should be better now.

Four years ago...

We would go together since Thursday night until Sunday evening. Partying, dancing, enjoying life. We would go to a bar have a few drinks, dance our pants off or catch a movie. Go home, sleep. We were high on energy, endorphins and whatever else the night brought us. I remember going to the club dancing and coming back to one of our houses just to chat. Then crashing in someone's living room or porch. Sleeping my worries away so I could take the bus home next morning and off to work. At night repeat the same cycle. We were happy, younger and free.

I left after a dream that needed to be followed. I left the rest of you behind. We all dealt with life. My dream went crashing down but the rest of you found your mates and married. It was ironic that I was the one wanting to get married and you got married instead. Four years later I come back, broken. I'm happy some of us got the girl/guy and got married. I'm happy that at least I was the best man in your wedding. I just wished I had the girl and the kids. Loneliness can be so fucking miserable sometimes.

And it was my fault. And it's all gone.

Love,

Jose

"loneliness is making my love poetry better. my love life worse." - Beau Sia
True that. Click his link or else.

Too many ideas and still I need the will to focus and concentrate. Getting the band together, Starting to write the book sitting on my head. Getting my stuff together. I must do it.

I'm so bored now it's not even funny. :(

I need you so much. Where are you? Maybe it's because I'm looking for you. Better stop looking and let you come. Still...

It seems I might have a band after all. Let's see what happens.

My friend Rafael from the Musique Concrete Ensemble is back home for a visit. It was good to see him and Jorge from Cornucopia. Good tidings for this year and the ones to come. Wheee!!!!!!!!!

Fuck the comment box. Too much hassle. Use the guestbook links above. Have a nice day.

Ok so I finally got Linux running on my laptop. Hurray! After quite a struggle, I'm finally online and with Linux. If I feel like it, I might document this struggle.

Ok now I'm tired.

Ok.......
First off...... Happy F*ck*n New Year.......yadda yadda yadda
I've decided this year to beef up my computer skills. Bought some Linux apps for my box so I can finally look at life outside Microsoft. It's definetely a process, but true learning is somewhat challenging.

Aside from that I went to my friend's wedding reception. Her sister and I used to be clubbing partners and we're going out tonight. Should be fun. It's her last night here so I *want* it to be a blast. Hopefully.

Back to lalaland.

Hey hey hey

Have you noticed that We're NOT hunting Osama anymore? We're looking for Omar now......
Quaint, isn't it?

A Kiss
I Am Cold
Close Your Eyes
Give Me Your Soul

The only resolutions I have for this year are:

Be Happy
Find Someone Who Understands and Loves Me
Be Stable

That's all I ask