Yet another actual post, for those brave (and foolhardy) souls who still bother to drop by. I look like crap. Yes, I know. The beard doesn't help. Not taking care of my health problem doesn't help either. In many ways, I am very happy, grateful and content with the fact that I have a proper job. It's not about that. My problem is with people, society, etc.

I asked my supervisor to let me come in at a shift where I can actually get some work done instead of waiting for everybody and their mother to finish. I don't have any gripes with my co-workers. At worst, indifference for some, at best some are really nice with me. I just have to be aware of their intentions, the gossip and backstabbing that takes place here. There are two people whom I fully trust here. A couple more whom I consider good enough to be more than acquaintances, and that's it. I always gotta work with eyes behind my back and ears aware of my surroundings. Anyway, this is not about my job.

This is about my life or lack thereof and where is it heading. Lack of sleep is making me irritable, tired and weary. I need some goddamn sleep. I've got two people that are interested in me currently. One I dealt with months ago, but we're still friends. The other is someone from the past that returned. She's hinting at the "third time's the charm" argument, but I don't feel anything more for her than respect, friendship, and a hint of lust. We had a past together, but right now I am in no mood to finish it or conclude it. I don't want to hurt either of them. I think I've had enough damage in my conscience to last me three lifetimes. Yeah, I complain about the lack of proper companionship and still do. They'll make good friends, but I ask and need a little more than that.

Even if someone I really fancy comes. What do I have to offer besides the sentimental and sexual part of a relationship? There are things I need to work out. Especially in my head. I need a place of my own, so I can feel comfortable. A place I can truly call home. Anyway, don't waste your time telling me what's wrong. I am aware of it. It's just a question of finding a good reason to actually do it. Right now, I'm just another survivor trying to get by. I probaby wrote this before, but right now I undertand the allure of drugs. It's still weak, but I understand that some people need to do them. To fill a void, a gap, to numb the greatest pain of all: the one I feel inside.

I try to look up to see how beautiful the sky is and try to keep my chin up. Right now, at this moment, I just can't. Eventually, I will. I never cared for material things, I just want love, peace and understanding. Lacking this three, I choose oblivion.

Ok, enough about me.