This article is funny and dead on. Insightful and full of black humor. Read and learn.

Conversations with V. take interesting turns. Anyway the words 'angry' and 'vindictive' were used. Angry? Hell yeah. Anger is a source of energy and they say deppression is anger turned inside. Vindictive? Well I do believe in karma, an eye for an eye, retribution, righting wrongs, etc. No. I didn't say I was a saint, and I don't plan to apply for it. Anyway I just love the phrase she used.

Nina Simone is buried and Sinead O' Connor is quitting music. The world is a sadder place. Thanks for the music you lovely ladies. Nina Simone was as old as my own mother. Yeah, even people like me have a mom. Anyway still cranking up her music.

Meanwhile Shakira tells it to Madonna like it is. You go girl! Unfortunately Maddy is not known for her spine. She just wants to create a stir to sell records, but even she has to play it safe. Don't want to aliente her audience, oh no.

V. Thanks for your honesty and your conversations. You made my evening. Thanks to J. for the pics too.

Film at 11.

The Smoking Gun is a much needed source of laughter these days. Between tales of thong thieves, stolen artwork, pretentious asswipes passing as rockers ripping off people, and the ocassional kiddie porn scum caught in high places, brings relief to the daily drudgery. Thank 'Bob' it's Friday!

Well the gig was ok. It was cool and some friends showed up. Only had a chance to do one set because my ride had to leave early. Shit happens, but I had a good time blasting out some quality tunes.

On the other hand, some people don't understand the concept of me not having anything to do with them. You know who you are. You run, hide, lie, disrespected me, took me for granted, stab me in the back and expect me to forget about what happened? And now you want to talk? You forfeited any chance to deal with me in any capacity. Talk is very cheap, coming from you, and your actions spoke louder than anything you have to say. Don't talk to me, don't buy me drinks, don't be fucking hypocrites. I have better things to do with my time than deal with the likes of you. You should talk about behaving like adults. Stay well away. Do I make myself clear?

In a very unrelated subject, I just chatted with my nephew. That was very cool and that made my day. Take care my man. You rock!

Now back to our regularly scheduled deprogramming.....

Haven't posted that much. Working on my music for tomorrow's gig. Got some good tunes and I gotta organize the set. Aside from that, not much to tell kiddies. Later.

Well I got a friend in NYC and she wrote an article about people's reactions to the war with Iraq. Enjoy!

Jane's Addiction is back with a new album. So's Lollapallooza. Wishing I was Stateside.

some stuff that i said/wrote/heard that i need to remember:

hope is my heroin. life is too short to be down. besides, i'll be down and i'll sleep when i'm dead.

i want my hope fix. badly.

good night kids.

Not only do I have to deal with all this shit that's going on. Nina Simone passed away. Keep pouring that rain. I got some tunes to crank.

So now that my birthday's coming up, I came up with a little wish list of things I wanna get. So, erm, you can, erm, cooperate and whatnot. Tee hee. Yeah right.

Anyway, Ian Curtis hung himself on my birthday. You got a good band going, you're about to tour the US and boom! Game over. Depression and epilepsy are serious motherfuckers. Respect to Mr C. and I love Joy Division, but I guess you gotta appreciate what you have before deciding to check out this existence.

Mt. St. Helens exploded on my birthday and I'm sure I share it with some famous people :P ha!

Yes, I'm bored.

V. Missing you terribly. Talked to Rose and some people. Raining non stop.

"We're all players in the dating game" - Jose E. Roman 4/20/03 19:38

I spent the last 20 minutes waking in the rain. Letting it soak right through me. Deep in thought. It's been awhile since I done that. I guess the weather matches my mood these days after all. It's ok though. I was coming from dinner with someone I met recently. She's nice, cool, grounded, honest, and very funny. Talking to her gave me some insights into relationships. Especially she was talking to me about how her ex was so good and she blurted that she'll compare her dates against her ex. I told her that's not fair at all. To her, to her dates. It's not fair at all. I told her so. I can't believe how people do that. I mean, it's just unbelievable, but that's my opinion. She needs to get over some issues but I think she's good friend material. Friend only.

So anyway at least she's honest about stuff and I appreciate that. I look forward to meet her again. I like her so that will happen soon. Anyway I just thought about things and even though I can consider Lana the love of my life, I don't compare any people I meet against them. It's not fair because to start they're not the same. Each person is unique with their flaws and their virtues.

Ode To Cowards

This one's for you
so-called-friends
Shake my hand
Stab me with the other
Praise me with your words
Hurt me with your actions
And when the truth comes out
Out you go
Dissappear
No guts to face me
Pull of your masks
I see right through you
and like my man John Malkovich
in one movie said:
"There's nothing I'd love more to kill you
but I'll be happy to kick you all over the field
like a football."
Or something like that.
Still if I give in to violence
I'd give you the importance you don't deserve.
So I'll be happy to watch you hide, squirm, avoid me
Run while you can.
Karma and you conscience will take care of you all.
But not before you heard it from me first.
I know.
That's all you hear from me.
Don't expect forgiveness, there's none to give
Don't expect tears, never shed them for cowards
Things are screwed enough as it is.
So wallow in your hollow victories.
I'm still here. Waiting by the river. Like the Chinese.
Waiting....

Rain rain rain rain
Matmos on the soundsystem
Pretty lonely over here
Owners not showing up
and of course me the responsible one
tending to an empty local, an empty bar
instead of going to the movies or something.
Oh well.....

Actually I like Matmos so it's ok.
No one's bothering me, yet.
So life is good.
Kinda wished Lana was here.
I miss kissing and fucking in the rain.

You can only wish for so much eh?

Blogjumping anc checking other people's lives. Blogsnob rules.

It's been raining nonstop these past few days. I've been completely numb to it all. I'd like to think that the weather mirrors my mood, but unless I've mutant weather control powers, that is not the case. Actually I enjoy the rain. Friends have called/shown up/chatted with me and I appreciate it guys. I'm just numb to it all. I can't be bothered. Although I love talking with people, so that's cool. I don't know if I'm making any sense. I'm getting over it. I guess numbness is my reaction to it all. Well anyway, life goes on. I interviewed for a job with a telecommunications company so that's good. If I get that job, I'll be busy, so that's good. Anyway, it's 20 minutes before going out so it's shower time kiddies. Later.

Soundtrack to these last days:

Ministry (of course)
New Order
The Raveonettes.

Thought you might wanted to know.

This taken from Mister D.'s blog. While you people wait for the Hollywood version of Private Jessica Lynch's Rescue. Here's the Real story behind her rescue. Meanwhile let's all get in line for "Saving Private Lynch" directed by Steven Spielberg. Available in the nearest Cineplex. Probably in time for Memorial Day or Christmas. :rolleyes

Well someone's been posting back and forth and thank you by the way. I have no problem having a discussion about things posted here. That's why it's here in the first place. So, on the subject of regret and since this is one of my favorite groups ever here it goes......

New Order
Regret


Maybe I've forgotten the name and the address
Of everyone I've ever known
It's nothing I regret
Save it for another day
It's the school exam and the kids have run away

I would like a place I could call my own
Have a conversation on the telephone
Wake up every day that would be a start
I would not complain of my wounded heart

I was upset you see
Almost all the time
You used to be a stranger
Now you are mine

I wouldn't even trust you
I've not got much to give
We're dealing in the limits
And we don't know who with
You may think that I'm out of hand
That I'm naive, I'll understand
On this occasion, it's not true
Look at me, I'm not you

I would like a place I could call my own
Have a conversation on the telephone
Wake up every day that would be a start
I would not complain of my wounded heart

I was a short fuse
Burning all the time
You were a complete stranger
Now you are mine

I would like a place I could call my own
Have a conversation on the telephone
Wake up every day that would be a start
I would not complain about my wounded heart

Just wait till tomorrow
I guess that's what they all say
Just before they fall apart

Ok well today's been productive. went to a job interview and i think i'll get the job. inspired by my latest turn of events, here's the latest from the labs. will post an mp3 next week.

"How To Lose Friends And Influence People"

Excuses, Excuses
Your Goddamn Lies
What Have I Done To Deserve This?
Dishonesty I Despise

I Gave You All
I Treat You Well
I Gave You All I've Got
And In Return
You Give Me Hell
What Kind Of Love Is That?
So Darling......

Twist The Knife Slowly
My Unsuspecting Back
What Hurts The Most
A Friendship Lost
You Broke My Fucking Heart (x2)

Have A Nice Day Motherfucker!

In other news, I bought another CD and a DVD. Rented some DVD's to record over the weekend. Having a nice chat with V. and listening to some New Order songs. Yeah, life is good tonight.

Wendesday's Fun courtesy of The Smoking Gun.

Get your Easter Day fantasy over here.

This guy was arrested in search of an even tan.

Some people try to extend their 15 minutes.

Meanwhile I just got news from one of my job prospects. Will keep you posted.

Had a talk with T-girl. She understands what's going on, but I'm sorry there's no excuse for that kind of behavior. Especially when I treat my friends with love and respect. In a way, I feel vindicated because I made my point clear. I behaved with them properly. I didn't treat anyone like dirt. There's no reason for that shit to fall on my lap. I'm not cleaning anyone's messes, I'm not responsible for your shortcomings, nor should I pay for them.

Anyway, there's a show on Hard Rock Cafe in Good Friday and I plan to be there. Film at 11.

Heh. Cranking out The Sisterhood's "Gift" and The Sisters Of Mercy's "Colours". Lyrics to the latter below.

"You reap what you sow
Put your face to the ground
Here comes the marching band
Your colours wrapped around"

It's Wendesday and well after all I've been through I ran into this lovely picture of Michael Gira (Swans, Angels of Light, Young God Records) and it fits nicely into these past week's ethos. Enjoy!

Well I kinda got a surprise visit from a friend and after some news I went to see Anger Management again. It was good. Then i hit Borders and finally got it. Ministry's "Animositisomina". MAN! What the doctor ordered! Oh yeah. Cranking this baby full blast. This is my favorite album already. 9 tunes plus a Magazine cover. Yes. The perfect prescription to eradicate these blues. Fuck yeah! This is one of those albums that motivate you to get back on the band game. Anyway ran into Georgie so I think I'm gonna hook up with my buddies at Golpe Justo for some action. It'd be a good way to vent some of that pentup energy. ;)

And yes, Al sings.

V - thanks. Your email moved me. Thanks for sharing that with me. Also thanks to the hippie. I love you mofo. I really do. Take care. You're progressing. Keep it up my man. Thanks also to my favorite Vampire. My favorite co-worker. I love you too. Thanks guys for showing me there's light at the end of the tunnel and it's not a train. You guys are the air I breathe and my sunshine. Thank you.

PD - Keep in mind this one's a work in progress:

Twist The Knife Slowly
Right On My Back
What Hurts Me Most
A Friendship Lost
You Broke My Fucking Heart

(soon to be heard on some recording soon. who says anger ain't a source of energy?)

;)

It's two for Tuesday and here it goes:

this one's for you. both of you.

i don't mind you two getting together. that's your business and it should be. no business of mine.

but what really ticks me off is the way you went about it. you don't need my approval, blessing etc. what you do, you do on your own. we're all grown ups here, BUT........

ladies first. you said you want to be my friend. that you value my friendship. i told you countless times that if you really want to be my friend, i want you to be honest. to tell me what's going on when it happens. no matter what. keep it real. you are not honest when you don't tell me. it's not the first time it happened. you say you want to tell me face to face. it's not like i've been seeing you in the past three weeks, isn't it? you avoid, don't say anything and then expect me to be honest? sorry, it doesn't work that way. you said you don't know what you want. i agree. you don't know a thing about honesty either. i'm sorry but i don't want your 'friendship'. i don't want anything to do with you. i hope you can sort your stuff out. i really do, but you'll have to do without me. sorry.

now.....buddy. i've known you for a third of my life. that's a long time. i thought you knew better. i was wrong. like i said before i have no problems how you carry on with your life. but you know what really hurts the most? the fact that you didn't have the guts to tell me. et tu dave? i'm seeing her. what's wrong with telling me that? i would've said "good". left it at that. might have said "godspeed. go for it. wish you guys the best." but you didn't. you chose to hide. to ignore my messages. even though i was calling you because i needed one of my best friends to lend me an ear. oh well.

thanks for the laughs dave. i mean it. but the way you handled this my friend, you broke my fucking heart. i don't want to see you. don't bother calling. don't email me. carry on with her and your life.

thanks both of you for your wonderful birthday present. thank you for your lack of honesty. if you don't have that, don't bother with 'friendship'. goodbye.

ok. done. back to your regularly scheduled deprogramming.

So it's Tuesday. T. For Tests. So here we are.

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Test

tax day.......bleh.
given what's going on in my life at this moment i can't help but laugh.
been trying to update my template but blogger's been obtuse. hah. film at 11.

update = template changed. tee hee.

Ok this one's a long one.....or so I think. I need to cover some ground so here it goes:

1. I'm not seeing normal girl anymore. It's a question of not having things in common. It's a question of her losing interest. It's a question of inviting her several times to go out and she's just giving me the runaround. So that's over and done with.

2. I decided that the only kind of relationship that I want in my life is:
A. Monogamous. B. Yeah I like the company and intimacy but C. I need space. Space to deal with my issues. Space to breathe. Therefore, I can only be by myself or on this kind of relationship. I cannot go for anything with more commitment, I cannot handle any drama at the moment. I got enough on my plate as it is.

3. Watched "Anger Management" and "A Man Apart". A good way to waste some hours. I'd rather do that than be on my room being anxious, being sad, riding an emotional rollercoaster.

4. Yeah all this time's been an emotional rollercoaster. My job hasn't been easier. They cut some more hours on the agency. This other job things are fast and loose but with these moods, I don't know if I'll be able to deal with it. I just have to deal with it. I have to hang on. To something. To keep me sane.

5. Edited due to give someone i've known for a long time the benefit of the doubt and see if he comes clean about it. Swing the Heartache, Baby!

Ok enough of me. That wasn't that long wasn't it?

"these crazy words of mine
so wrong they could be....."
- new order "sub-culture"

someone just told me that i have a chaotic mind. i asked her whether it was a good thing or a bad thing. i could say there are a lot of things on my mind. that's the best answer i can give at the moment.

i've been pushing people away from me. it's not healthy to do that on my state of mind, but i do it for a reason: things will get ugly for me. i don't want them caught in my messes. my problems are mine to deal with. if i need help, i have no problem asking, but i think i'd rather deal with them on my own.

this girl i'm seeing, yeah she's cute, and nice but i don't have a thing in common with her. we're different. i guess its good in a way. but it'd be nice to relate. she's not showing interest either. i think i'm gonna stop seeing her.

i wish i could stop. just stop. i'm too stubborn to quit for my own good.

right now i'm having a conversation with someone i like to talk to. so excuse me.

It's been a lot of work this week. Two jobs and a friend who I'm helping out to move. In a way it's kinda good because it keeps me busy, but when I'm on my own sometimes this feeling sets in. It's not a pretty one. Anyway, it's Saturday so I'll have Sunday and Monday off, so I guess it's a fair trade. If I only could get some good sleep. Good loong sleep.

started here today in the afternoon. it was ok. it was a good opportunity to listen to some really cool music. things are shaping up. yeah.

today is a new day
or so they say

anyway, i took myself off from the usual bb's i post. yeah in a sense i'm withdrawing but i see it as taking away the distraction. focus on the ball, as dave would say.

i need a car
i need money
i need to see what happens with this girl

focus on the ball
the ball damnit!

;)

alright it's 6am. time to hustle.

One door closes another opens.

I just had a talk with the girl I've been sleeping with. It's over. I pretty much was in acceptance mode of late, so it doesn't hurt as much as it's supposed to. It hurts a bit because we have a lot of things in common but we're still friends so it's cool. I hope she sorts her stuff out.

Anyway, I'm taking my chances with this girl I'm meeting. I don't know where it might lead. I'll just play it by ear, make my move, hope for the best.

Alright better get my day started.

Two things happened today.

One is that there this girl that I got introduced at this blind date last week. We've been exchanging phonecalls and she's cute. I found out she speaks highly of me and I don't know where this might lead, but it's worth a try. It'd be a nice change.

The other one is that I took off all my music from my web. It's been 6 years since I started this and I think that's as far as I can take it for now. That won't stop me from doing music, but honestly I have taken my label and my music as far as it gets. Maybe I'll put up some new stuff later. No promises though. I love making music and I'd love it more if I can get a proper band together, but such is not the case for now. So no music online of mine. For now.

Aside from that, no new tales to tell......

Remember him? Well, like every other doofus in this planet he also has a website! Ain't life grand?

Got the most sickest migraine I had in a long while. Been sleeping all day and taking pills and right now it's gone. Meanwhile while I was out dreaming......
I was back in England. Somehow I was taking pictures of my ex, her best friend and some other people. Taking snapshots, they were smiling and we were all exchanging jokes. It was kinda tense between us but the humor got it away. I see a glint in her eyes. She asks me "why are you here?" I tell her "I wanted to see you." She's still posing. Eventually they leave. We end up in bed. We start to kiss. I start to kiss her all over her body. We're in bed and for a moment I feel wonderful. I feel her warmth. I feel human. And it all goes away....

I wake up and I go to bed again. Here I am wishing for things past. I'm moving on but my subconcsious is clinging to it. Here I am considering quitting music, the only thing that at least takes me away from feeling like this. I can't find anyone to play with and I think I can handle it on my own, but I wonder if it's worth it. Too many things on my mind. Too many things on this restless mind of mine. I wish I could be unconscious for a while. Not even dreaming. Just a long blank slate. Still, reality comes to you sooner or later.

I don't know if I'm making any sense.

Things are moving. Crawling really, but hey. I don't know what to say. Except that I feel empty in some ways, but in other ways I don't give a fuck. It's kinda weird. Hard to put it in words. Oh well.

Right now I'm in acceptance mood in my 'thing' and looking forward to see what happens with this other girl. Last night at Gallery Night was good. The show went well and my friend managed to sell 7 paintings, so that's good. I wish I could write a bit more but I'm very bushed. Wishing I had a shoulder to cry on and some tears to shed, but I have none. By the way, came home from watching this Brazilian film called 'City Of God." Very good, very intense, very gritty.

Well things are happening. Not all of them happy. They cut my hours down to 20 at my job so I'm in the market for another. There's some stuff that's panning out with two possible jobs. If the second one works out, I'll take it. Even if it means working from 4pm to 1am. Also I just had an argument with my family again. I don't have the money but I'll be moving out soon. I can't wait. I need my space and I don't need them fucking about my life when I need a place to rest, some peace and quiet. I never cared about living on this house anyway. Hated it since the second they moved in it. Anyway, I should be moving out soon.

In other news, I saw her last friday. Slept together. No nookie. Guess we were both too tired. I don't know. It comes and goes, does it? Saturday I sort of got into a blind date situation. Got a telephone number. She's cute. Aside from that, I don't know how things will work out with all of this. She's cute but we're different. Still gotta try somehow. Got a gig tomorrow and probably movies on Wendesday. So much to do, so little time. Right now my bed is calling me.

Right now I'm too exhausted to think, let alone blog. I'm very tired. Things happened this weekend. I promise I'll post them soon. Right now I need to sleep. Night.

My arm hurts like hell. I skipped work. Checked out another possible part time opportunity to get some more cash in the pocket. Aside from that, did my laundry and of course it rained while I was hanging it. LOL. Aside from that, not much. A sense of dullness and normalcy that is so numbing, but I did get some sleep.

This from another blog. Ok if this ain't evidence of this war's stupidity, I don't know what is. I feel safe already.

The things I do for........ *laughs* having a good time, you! Today work the usual drudgery. Then go to a social function at the Museum of Art. Kind of flashbacks to my OMART days. In a way. Wait. Retreat. Back.

I had to run to the Old City today. Delivery run for some artwork. Fucking heat. Traffic to a stop. We had to park the car and go downhill to this place to deliver them. Ok. On the way back I go to a shop where one of my exes used to work. See? One of my friends saw her at the bus and since we now are on talking terms, I decided to drop by, say hi. I did. She's still crazy but she manages it well. I even got a compliment out of her, which I'm surprised. Gave me her phone number. Ok. Cool. Lunch sometime. Maybe.

Anyway back to the boring social function at the Museum. Lots of food and drink. Cool. Several Blue Rooms later and sushi along other scrumptious items, I was on a roll. Called *her* to see if she wanted to drop by. Free food and drink. Hey. Well she didn't but we agreed to go to the movies. Cool. I escape the Museum, go to her place. We talk and definitely it's to the movies. I'm not staying the night, she says. I nod. In a way, there's a tension between us, but it's mostly frayed nerves, lack of sleep, tired. But not of each other, I guess. Otherwise, she wouldn't agree to go to a movie with me.

So we go to the movies and watch "View From The Top". I know. Dave should be pissing his pants right about now. Oddly enough, it's a good date movie. We laughed, had fun. Our IQ's dropped but we had fun in the process. She drives me home, we talk about some stuff that's going on. Advice. I tell her "it was good to see you again". We kiss in the cheek. I just hold her hands, get my stuff out, go to her and kiss her softly in the lips. It was nice. She calls me when she gets home, we chat a bit. I take a shower and I'm ready for bed.

There's so much I wish I could talk to her about but she needs her space. Sometimes you just let the dice fall where they may. I'll see her Friday. Saturday she's got a shooting to do. Let's see what happens.

Anyway, yes Dave. I did have fun while watching that flick. Doink!

Alright. Nightie night.

I just saw her today. She had a BBQ at her place. Helped her set up and get the stuff together afterwards. People showed up. We all had fun. The thing was that me and this other guy she likes was there too. It was all civil. Thing is, at the end of the night, I went back home. I guess she's ending up with the other guy. I don't know. Maybe it's my acceptance phase. I just didn't feel like making a move. Maybe I don't care. Maybe I care too much and I don't want to get hurt. I don't know. Right now I just want to go to sleep. Don't wake up. Drift. Unconciousness. That's all I want right now. Good night!

Went to the movies again. This time watched "The Hunted". Again, I'm at my acceptance phase. I'll just ride it out as long as it ends. I don't have any surprises, any hopes. Anything. Numb. Just numb.

Had a horrible afternoon. Wanted to see her and some friends in the mall and I was out the door. Fucking traffic jam, buses running late and me sticky due to the heat. Me feeling all that and my frustration and longing. I called them on the cellphone and took the bus home, frustrated. A friend called me and took me to see "Tears of The Sun". Good war flick. I went hoeme and I thought to myself of all the things I should be doing at my age. And I haven't. Of all things I should have and I don't. Of all the things I miss and I need, but don't have. And I was talking to Dave and I basically lost it. Tears streaming down. Deception, rage, frustration. If I had more guts I would've ended all this pain and misery a long time ago, but I can't. I guess I can nail it down to cowardice or self-preservation. I guess there's always tomorrow. I just want to sleep. Don't wake up. Make it go away. I'm still crying as I write this. Pathetic.

Here I am jonesin'. For her. I just have to deal with it. No much choice. Not in my current situation. She's going with a friend to Culebra for a holiday. I wish I had her financial freedom. Well I am stuck here working and it's all good. I know it's two days, but hey. Anyway, many things in my head at this time. I gotta get my ass to work. Later.

war started last night. it's not like we weren't expecting it. still..... fucking idiot.

oh and my brother is soon to be a father for the first time. twins. oh my!

I forgot to mention. Ran into a former crush in a bookstore. She's still beautiful, but right now there are other things in my mind. She lost her chance. Life goes on.

I need to watch what's going on at work. I think I might not have a job any more. Maybe.

Aside from that, renting some movies. I probably won't see her until tomorrow. I'm gona be jonesin for her sometime soon, but we need time apart to deal with our everyday affairs.

Can't think right now. Too tired.

Got her a copy of "Sleeping With Ghosts". She was happy with it. I was really upset with work and all that so we went to dinner at this burger joint in the Old City. We ate and talk some more. Rented some movies and got some ideas. I went home to visit my parents. It was fun. Went back to the penthouse and called her to see how she's doing. She asked if I wanted to see 8 mile. Good film. Funny too. Then we went to bed. More sexual oblivion. Heh. I love it.

Still a lot of things were not done that were supposed to in part due to people not doing their job. I feel bad and I have to explain this to my boss. It sucks.

Anyway....more later.

too much work to do today. i just want to say three things:

1. finally saw Rose! yay!
2. Placebo - Sleeping With Ghosts. Out April 1st. Double Yay!
3. I need a kiss from her before she leaves. It's only three days but right now I need a kiss damn it. It would help me through the week. Mark Twain said he could live on a compliment for two weeks. Well I could live on a kiss for a couple of days.

Ok out the door. Now.

Monday comes and reality checks in. It's ok though. I mean.....

Saturday evening comes. I drive to her house and we meet. We play a bit of Human Traffic on the DVD to get in the proper mood for the evening's entertainment. Eventually we drive to see Paul Oakenfold. We get in time to see my friend Santos open the festivities. Slowly the place is getting packed with yuppies, clubkids and assorted nightlife. Santos gets the crowd moving and we make the rounds in the locale. They set up a really nice lounge to chill out when Dave calls and my phone dies. Anyway we meet several friends of ours from our jobs and acquaintances. It's getting to be really crowded but we just check out the music, order some beers and start dancing. At this point we're cool to each other but when we order the first round I get to kiss her and we smile. It was a really cool feeling. The next DJ (Oakey's official opener on his tour) comes along with a really cool set. We head to the dancefloor because ironically that's where it feels less crowded. We start dancing and getting into it.

Oakey comes in and the crowd goes wild. Granted that I can't stand his Jesus Christ Pose but the man has to be reckoned that he's a good DJ. Not my favorite DJ (I think Santos himself, Darren Emerson, Juan Atkins and Surgeon come to mind), but hey he gets the crowd dancing and happy. He goes through his set, the poses, we go through several beers, bottles of water and dancing. I'm drenched in my own sweat. She and I dance, snog, laugh like mad children without a care in the world. Then Oakey plays "Where The Streets Have No Name". I just lose it then and there. I was dancing in the front with her and I just get a boost of energy from that song. Granted, U2 has better songs (of the top of my head, "Bad", "Exit", "Acrobat" but you can't dance to them, can't you?) but mabe it's the fact that I'm peaking on my own endorphins and the combination of alcohol, dancing, having a good time, making fun of Oakey and the people around me that makes me lose it completely and abandon myself to become a mad screaming dancing dervish. I scream the lyrics to the top of my lungs while dancing and jumping. There's a camera crew filming the whole thing and it catches me. I see myself on the screens and I throw this incredibly wide grin on my face. Sheer pleasure. Rapture. Bliss. I don't care if all these yuppies and my friends are watching me. I'm having a blast then and there. I keep jumping, dancing, while Oakey catches my eye. I yell and mouth to him "OAKEY YOU WANKER! YOU FUCKING ROCK!" He reads my lips and grins. We seem to understand each other. He did his service as a DJ. Fucking rocking the crowd getting them dancing. I keep dancing and look at her. She's smiling. We kiss in the middle of the dancefloor without a care in the world. Eventually we head back home.

I'm drenched in my own sweat and she drives us to her place. I just realized I can't go to bed. Not like this. I slump on the sofa while she checks her emails. I tell her "I can't possibly go to bed like this". She looks at me. "There's a shower and a towel. Make the best of them." She loans me a t shirt and after my shower and her shower, we go to bed.

I come to the penthouse at 2 pm Sunday. I take care of my duties and I'm kinda drifting in limbo. I wanted to get some sleep and then pickup one of my buddies for dinner before he leaves for Florida for a month. She sees me online and asks me if I'd like to go shopping with her. No problem. We shop some stuff for her home office, blank cd's, etc. It's almost dinner time and I suggest her we call our friend and take him with us for dinner. She agrees and off we go. The three of us get into this really funny and insightful conversation about relationships, addiction, and things in between. We rent some movies to watch before going to take care of her home office. I get to work while my friend and her telephone a friend of hers to watch the movies. I miss part of "White Oleander" but heard it while taking care of her PC installing some new hardware. Once I finished I join the rest of them and we also get to watch "Igby Goes Down". Both films are really good and have some serious acting chops. Eventually it's time to go. Her friend leaves and we drop mine at his parent's house. I figure she'll drop me at the penthouse. She doesn't. I jokingly say "Three days in a row. You sure I'm not imposing?" She said no and kept on her way home. Once we get home we realize it's 4 am. Time to sleep. We get to bed with music. Some Soda Stereo is in order. I realize this is the last time I'll be with her for awhile. We get too much stuff going on during the week. She asks for a rub. She's ticklish. Then we end up having sex. First time we had it in a while. I mean, the day we are supposed to actually go to bed, but it was funny and very good.

Afterwards she asks me if I'm ok. She wants to make sure that we are on the same level. I tell her that the only think I ask of her is to be honest with me. I know she can't handle a relationship, but we do fancy each other. We care about each other in our way. We are honest about it. We can't afford to lie about it and about us. This happiness is transient and we just have to make the best of it. I don't think I'll hear her say "I love you". Ever. I won't fool myself to wait for the day that she will. I tell her "I want you" and I mean it more than the physical thing. I want her to be by my side. A friend. Lover. Kindred Spirit. So beautiful, smart, funny, witty. I am happy now and I know it will pass. I just want us to be happy. If she finds it with someone else, fine. If I find it with someone else, that's fine too. Meanwhile and just for a moment, we have each other. And that's damn fine.

Now back to work.

Here's some pictures of last night's outing. Hard Rock again. I drank but not enough to get me drunk so that's good.

First picture features long time friends, accomplices and fellow scenesters (L-R) Leilani, Mariana and Rebecca.



And another ugly mug of mine in one of the hallways. Cheers!



So last night we hit hard rock to watch two local bands. It's the Nth time we get together to watch Polbo but we don't care. Gea, Manuel and I started with dinner and drinks (like i said no more heavy drinking for me so i stuck to something lite). Then Felix and Ivonne joined us. Eventually the opening band started and they got downstairs to watch it closely. Dave arrived with some other friends. I kept watching them on the second floor until I noticed the three girls pictured above. They said they were coming to check out Polbo and they are worth their time so we talk, take pictures.

Polbo goes onstage. Love those off-kilter harmonies, wicked lyrics and hooks galore. At the end of the show they play the Pixies' "Where Is My Mind?" and dedicated it to me. Heh. I was floored. Nice way to start the festivities. They finish, we go on our separate ways. Dave has his own thing to take care of, so I'm talking and catching up with Leilani, Rebecca and Mariana.

My other ladyfriends are about to leave and ask me if I could walk them to their cars. Fine. So off we go. I end up with her. Yes, cool girl. Kindred spirit. Friends only. It's cool. We go run a little errand and she asks me if I want to crash at her house. I said yeah, why not? We're friends it's nothing sexual or romantic about it and we enjoy each others company. On the way home, her stereo blasts New Order's "Temptaion" (which I quoted earlier this month). Fucking epiphany. God has a sense of humour about us.

So we drive back home, humming to the melody, we arrive, take care of her pets and head to bed. Then we watch Harold and Maude. If you haven't watched it, do it now. Really cool and funny flick. We comment a bit about it, get tired so it's lights out.

THen we engage in one long conversation about ourselves, how our lives are going. Honest, mature, funny at times. We open up to each other with this kind of honesty true friends do. We're in the dark, and then she asks me "where are you?" "Right on your side" - I reply. "Why?" I hear her smile. We're inches apart from each other. "Do you want me to kiss you?" - I dare to ask. She said "Yes." So we kiss tenderly. I couldn't believe what was happening. We held each other so close I asked her if she was sure about this. She said yeah. So we talk and hold each other and I ask her if our previous arrangement was in force now. She said "yeah". We talked and slept. Eventually I had to get up to feed the cat but I was happy. I know these things won't last, but being able to have that kind of closeness, honesty and intensity made my evening, my week. A small triumph, but a triumph nonetheless.

I have to learn to walk carefully and learn from my mistakes. I want to keep this level between us.

Afterwards I went to the office and had dinner with Dave. Good conversation about relationships and local politics.

Ok I should get ready for ze event. So later.

For as long as it lasts, I'm walking on air.

Ciao

In other news, last night something happened i didn't expect it. A welcome surprise. I'm happy now. Very much.

Having an interesting conversation with Rose. Wow. Really nice to meet you. Also meeting Enigmanytes. Really cool chick from Cleveland. Amazing tattoo collection. And someone wants to fuck my brains out, so maybe this weekend I might get lucky. Yeah right!

Well after 4 years I started to drive again. My boss and her husband are on vacation so I am housesitting their penthouse *and* I got a car. So yesterday I started driving around town again. It's kinda exciting and I have to be on my toes. It's a big car with a huge kick so I have to watch it. Fortunately I'm not a speed demon so I'm cool on that aspect.

Anyway I asked Dave to drive me home to pickup some stuff. My parents are not ready to see me driving again. Ha! Anyway I invited Dave for dinner since I owe him one and we tallked about our usual stuff. I'm glad to know he's around and we can talk and give each other advice or at least some funny comments. In a way we're on opposite sides of the fence in our respective situations but we're sensible enough to deal with them. He's a lovely friend and I know that if he hangs tough, he'll overcome whatever life throws at him.

I came back to the penthouse tired as hell. The job and driving around town drained me. Max The Cat came and went but was a bit of annoying in the morning, but hey.

Paul Oakenfold's playing this weekend and I got an invite. Free. Gratis. Yes. This Saturday I'm dancing again till the morning. Tonight some bands on Hard Rock. Dave and I were planning the weekend as it were. Since I stopped drinking alcohol I'm just watching myself. Normally I don't drink much if at all, but last month definitely got me worried, that's why I stopped. Anyway, I'm out to have fun, dance, be myself. Like always.

Somebody bothered in the last post. Thank you. Been meeting some people online. It's cool. Ok back to work.

Went dancing on Saturday night till the next day. It was good to release all that energy. Of course I came home alone. What do you expect? Still I wished I had someone. The way I was I took a shower and slept in my birthday suit. If I got laid, it would have been perfect. Slept like a baby till the afternoon. Oh man.

Sunday was just zombie mode, really. Total rest.

These past few days I've been extremely busy and guess what? Housesitting the penthouse again. Let's see if this time I'm lucky. Yeah right! Who am I kidding?

I'm in acceptance mode. Deal with it. Move On. It's what's best. Don't dwell on it.

Last night it was mixed emotions. Saw some cool bands. I'm torn between emotions and whether I should stay here or not. I mean, I do want to stay now that I have a job in my field and New York ain't that tempting. The loneliness is killing me and I can't do nothing about it. Right now I just woke up and had a dream Dave was in England and somehow he knew my ex and my ex was sending me notes through him. In the dream I just arrived in England and I was dying to see her. My mind playing tricks on me and my heart going on overdrive. Dancing tonight. Oh and I kept my promise. Drank only cranberry juice and lemon. I guess that's good.

checking out bands with friends. testing my resolve and um, i'll try to have some fun in the process. so there. later.

According to belief.net

40 - 49 Active Spiritual Seeker – Spiritual but turned off by organized religion

1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Liberal Quakers (92%)
3. Neo-Pagan (87%)
4. Secular Humanism (84%)
5. Reform Judaism (78%)
6. Nontheist (74%)
7. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (73%)
8. New Age (73%)
9. Theravada Buddhism (70%)
10. Mahayana Buddhism (69%)
11. Bahá'í Faith (65%)
12. Jainism (63%)
13. Sikhism (60%)
14. Islam (57%)
15. Orthodox Judaism (57%)
16. Hinduism (55%)
17. Scientology (55%)
18. Taoism (50%)
19. New Thought (50%)
20. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (41%)
21. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (38%)
22. Orthodox Quaker (38%)
23. Seventh Day Adventist (34%)
24. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (31%)
25. Eastern Orthodox (16%)
26. Roman Catholic (16%)
27. Jehovah's Witness (12%)

So there hippie.

So here I am on my own (again). Work's been keeping me busy so I don't have time to ponder. I bet the pain's coming in the weekend. It's in the post for sure. Or maybe not. Santos's spinning this Saturday on Sala so I'm so there it's not even funny. I might ask some of my friends to go out, see what happens. I have to go to bed early tonight. Lots of work tomorrow, I might leave early. Heh.

New York City called. I don't know. After all I've been through I think I don't want to do it. It's crazy, I know.

Had a nice little dinner with her and some friends. It was really cool. Had lots of fun. In a way, she looks like a cloud has lifted between us. I'm ok. We want to stay friends and we mean it. It feels good. I'm sure she feels happy about this. I feel good too. I enjoy her company and making her laugh. Lots. Here are some photos of last friday's carousing at Hard Rock:

"oh it's the last time
oh it's the last time
and i've never met anyone
quite like you before"
new order - temptation

life imitates art.
watched "swept away" with her. it was kinda funny and it wasn't as bad as i thought.
afterwards it came. the sailor wasn't the only one dumped last night.
she wanted us to be just friends. i respect her decision and i thank her for her honesty. i wish her the best.
i don't regret anything about it. i gave it a shot for what is worth.
even in this heat, the world feels a bit cold now.
i just wish that i get to meet someone as cool, nice, caring as you. and that it works out.
i also wish that the tears would stop. even though i knew what was coming and that i wouldn't cry over this anymore.
i guess i did want her badly. it was nice being SUFARI for a while. btw, it means Someone U Fuck At Regular Intervals.
I say this without anger or any negative connotations. I just thought the acronym was cool.

**********

last minute gig last night. it was fun. tested some new songs. before that i was reeling from the effects of friday night. but once i ate something and started playing, i was fine.

"again and again
i've taken too much
of the things
that cost you too much"
- new order 'true faith'

i had too much last night. the bands played too much. they were good. i had too much to drink. i felt like crap. i didn't felt sick thanks to the munchies, but i think i gotta stop now. i felt too much last night too. i want it too much and got nothing. in a way i wished she told me to fuck off but that's not the case. what, then? i almost cried in front of her. yeah i want her that badly, i told her this place was empty. i felt unfulfilled. i wanted her to see the sunrise on the city with me. share something that i want to take to my grave with me. but i had to go. otherwise, it'd be ugly. i don't mind crying, but it's something i'd rather do on my own.

"and tonight, nobody gets laid." - dave. at least he's gonna get some. about fucking time, mate.

i got up early today not only to feed the cat. i'm torn between letting it all go away, but these people are my friends too. she's my friend. i will stop drinking. that's for sure, but do I want to stop seeing her? it's not codependency. it's not an obsession. is it wrong to have someone you can be comfortable with? fuck. i'm getting misty eyed. i just wished she tell me. i don't want to see you anymore so at least i can get some closure. shit. tear running down my left eye. this emptiness hits me like a freight train. tonight we run in separate ways. gig. i better start programming, even though i feel like crying, like jumping out of that balcony, but i know i won't. i want to see how this ends. i want to play this game. i want too much out of life and out of the few people that get close to me. even though i know this there is no certainty, no promises, no oaths, nothing and no one to hold on to.

i drank to get numb. i almost got sick. that's no reason for drinking. no liquor for me. at least for a while.

i'm sorry baby. i'm sorry that this pathetic simpering excuse for a man is falling for you. he's aware of the warnings, the things you said. still..........i'd give everything for a kiss from your lips, your warmth, your hand in mine.

the dam burst. here comes the flood. apres le deluge.

well ok you've heard me bitching, moaning and complaining. this one is different. this one's about the other half. the half that has everything, looks great, lives well. and right now i'm in the midst of it. or something. i'm housesitting my boss's flat. a nice penthouse smack in the middle of the city. it fucks with my vertigo sometimes believe me but it's all good. big place. dsl. a/c. cable. heh. in another reality, this might be me actually living the life. not in this one. at least right now. but it feels good. i've always wanted to have my place. i always value my own space. heh. the perks of modern slavery.

back to reality. one of my very close friends is taking a step forward in his battle against addiction. he's checking himself in a clinic. i wish him the best. i think he's going stateside for that. if he's not, i'll visit. i hope he gets over it and gets back on track. if i was a praying man, my prayers would be to him, but i wish him the best anyway.

back to the place i'm housesitting: it's nice. big. but it's somewhat empty. i talked to her the other day. 4 am conversation. opened up to her and told her that i miss her. i mean, it's casual and no attachments but i do miss sleeping with her. her warmth. her kisses. her scent. it's one of those people that i want to be by my side. friend, lover. i mean that's all i'm gonna get for now so i'll try to make the best of it. in a way, i wish she was here with me. wake up together. see the city. the two of us just watching the cityscape. it moves me.

anyway, i have accepted that good things don't last long. the owners will come back. normalcy reestablished. but to feel that moment, it's worth it.

have a great weekend.

there is a sense of justice
when you know that the people that hate you
are more fucked than you are
in their pettiness and sheer stupidity
there is a sense of beauty
when you know when it's over
before it even starts
because you can afford to be honest
there is a sense of completeness
when it's all done and gone
because you knew
what you were getting into
there is a sense of justice
when you know that the next one
won't be as nearly as good
as you were
there is satisfaction
when there is no strings
no regrets
no promises
you were warned
you heeded, you followed
so tonight
there's no room for sadness
melancholy, longing, regret
for there is none

************************************************

Can't sleep
Too much in my mind
Gonna take care of some stuff
in addition to my job
It's gonna be 2 busy weeks
but hey, it's all good

i've had conversations with some friends and thanks guys for them.

i have to keep my eyes on the ball. get my own place. keep my job. exercise. go to some support groups to deal with my deppression. keep myself focused.

on the sentimental side, well it's not much of a choice i have these days but i'd rather ride this wave, see where it takes me. i just have to accept that.

in another news i got news for two people i thought that were my friends: keep burning those bridges kids. in the end, it's gonna be the two of you. i'm glad you ended up with each other. you deserve and complemente each other perfectly. share your neuroses and your stupidity. 'til death do you part. me? i'm just laughing at your sheer stupidity. and at the end, as always, i'll be there saying: told you so. ok, enough about them.

let's bring some lighthearted fun to the proceedings with more pictures of carousing and general mayhem at St. Valentine's:

Courtesy of Pulsorock.com

i miss your bed
miss your perfume
miss the warmth
the feeling you're there
miss your mouth
your tongue
our bodies wrapped in darkness
me losing myself
and finding myself
between your legs
your moans
your words
your screams
piercing your room
wishing it
wanting it
wondering whether
i should write you about this
or write about this at all
all the while
i wonder if last night
was the last time
or if there are more nights to come
i know there are no promises
no deals no strings
here i am
wondering
and missing you
terribly

acronyms, misunderstandings and talking. it's all that jazz, rock n'roll and whatnot. it's about lust, longing and words misspoken. it's about talking to some people i haven't heard from in a while. what a week this was. that a new song: s.u.f.a.r.i. figure that one out.

I love the company
I love the snogging
I love the sex
and I'm very grateful.
Still I want more.
Or rather would like to feel wanted.
I don't even know if I'm making any sense here.
I should settle for what I have.
I should learn to wait.
Meanwhile all I got is this space to rant.
Or something.

Watched Chicago yesterday with her. Really cool musical. Good performances. And then we went shopping. Actually she did most of the shopping. I just watched and suggested her some records. Then she surprised me by buying Love & Rockets' "Seventh Dream Of Teenage Heaven". The reissue. I was floored and I blushed. Then we had coffee and bagels. It felt so good to be with her. Share something. Big grin on my face. I know, but she rawks.

so yeah i survived st. valentine's. it could've been worse in some ways but i had a good time. drank some, had some fun. gave her some small tokens of appreciation which were some cause of concern to her. she things i expect something in return. i don't. we have our thing in our own terms. the only thing i expect from this, is to be honest about it. if she meets someone else, i just want her to tell me and that's it. being around her helps me and gives me some sanity.

finished reading "pattern recognition". interesting. i think i'll give my copy to dave for him to read. watched "daredevil" last night. colin farrell steals the show but it was alright.

ok here's a little thing i made for st. valentine's.

"fuck cupid"
curve - signals and alibis
david bowie - heroes
dog faced hermans - love is the heart of everything (live)
godspeed you black emperor! - the dead flag blues
leonard cohen - i'm your man
migala - la espera
nick cave & the bad seeds - stranger than kindness
pj harvey & thom yorke - this mess we're in
recoil - want
these immortal souls - so the story goes
tricky - christiansands
wolfgang press - raintime

alive again. i think it's the best thing in the world. and of course, it never lasts, but hey. ;)

watched more bands. reading "pattern recognition". i just wished she was around. that's all i want right now.

watched polbo with my friends. saw some friends. i told her that she's a great gal and i told her my feelings toward her. i drank a few beers but she knows i meant it and i'd say it to her alcohol or not. i hope i get together with her again. she makes me happy.

note to self: dont take life too hard. life is hard enough. learn to wait. otherwise you will blow it.

The city literally stank. I'm serious. The city was full of the smell of overflowing toilets. The rain apparently got the sewers working overtime or something. Christ! Working overtime but it seems that I'll get Friday off. It's ok. It's good work. I need to get some money for a bloody car. I can't wait to go out on my own. I need it for the business as well. K, time to get some rest.

In our latest publicity strategy we sold our souls to the devil. We need all the publicity we can get so in exchange of fame, fortune, platinum records, groupies and endorsements, we have to include Ol' Scratch in our flyers as well... I know........

here's a little existencial conundrum for ya:

what's worse?

being attracted to someone you really like but you know it will probably be sort of unrequited? you find someone with your similar tastes and refreshing and you know that despite that you're attracted to each other, you won't be together as much as you like?

or having your subconscious bring you dreams featuring you and your ex to remind you of times past and that you'll never see her again? i mean every time you think you reach closure your subconscious brings it back to open those wounds.

Ok so many things happenned in my life of late.

I usually deal with the dreaded New Year's Resolutions in February. Why? Too much going on in th holidays. It takes time for me to actually sit down and think any goals I might want to accomplish. Also leaving the museum, moving back home and the New York situation took it's toll in the decision making process.

So....I started the year alright. Got a job. Working on what I majored in. That's good.

I'm getting a band together and we rehearsed last night. It looks and sounds good. Different, but good.

I met someone who's actually nice and that's good too. I don't know or expect anything from this, but it's good to find someone you can relate with similar tastes. I'm glad I met her. Me and several friends watched dvd's last night. It was good.

BTW, rent Michael Winterbottom's "24 Hour Party People" it's funny as hell and really good.

Now my goal is to hold on to this job for at least a year. Get back on track, and reach happiness. Contentment. That's all I want. If someone is with me, so much the better.

Just in case you were wondering......here's a little tidbit. It goes like this: Your sexual personality is Zeta-ETDN-9.

Your sexual personality is determined by your sexual persona (Zeta), 4 sexual scales (Emotional/Physical, Look/Touch, Daring/Modest, Verbal/Non-verbal), and your libido score (9).

As a Zeta, the high degree of confidence you feel around your sexuality matches your level of experience. Your sexual confidence and awareness are particularly high, but your sex appeal is somewhat lower.

Ok so this week's been interesting and wonderful. The first lines of New Order's "True Faith" come to mind. Saw Pedro Almodovar's "Talk To Her". Really cool film. Great acting. Solid plot. Then finally got to see "Hedwig and the Angry Inch" in it's entirety and it's also great. Saw those two with someone whom I've been itching to see for quite a while and it was worth the wait. It was good seeing her. The next day it was the usual stuff at work but it was manageable. I'm getting this ad copy stuff down pat. My boss is a good teacher. Needless to say when I finally came home yesterday I was exhausted and crashed early. The weekend's coming. With a lot of possibilities. Gotta rehearse with the guys too.

Monday. A better day to start the week. Better possibilities. Yes, I'm in a good mood. ;)

A reunion of sorts of Descojon Urbano, my first band.
From L-R The Man Searching For Fun, Moi, Revkunin and Mista D@ve.

Here is the Sacred Brotherhood of Perpetual Decadence:

From L-R Moi, Gea Dante, Revkunin, Irtari and Synthetic Dreams.

Woot woot! ;)

Do yourself a favor. Rent Frailty. Now. It's that good. Just came home from a really cool show. Saw some friends I haven't seen in a while. It was all good fun.

I'm ok. Not much to tell. Missed a good show last night due to weather. It sucks. I slept last night due to extreme boredom. Not much to say really. I need to start programming the new songs and whatnot.

"It's a strange day
In such a lonely way"
- New Order

Starting my day with new possibilities
yet I had a recurring dream involving
a $200 bill and bills that need to get paid
Went to see some short films last night
The city being an empty shell
Monday night a holiday
and someone from the past
still on the Old City.
Amusing? Yeah.
Life goes on. See what comes up.

It's kinda funny. Got a job at an ad agency as a sound technician and writing ad copy and another translation gig panned out. Really interesting. Me likes. Aside from that I think it's time to get the dust off one of my old bands. Went with some of my bandmates to a Ramones tribute show and it was great to see them so yes, I want to play music again. Let's see how things turn out.

What Goth Are You?

So the flight went without a hitch. Came home just before noon. Right now I just had some interviews and I think I might have a job in my field after all. I don't know how things will turn out. At least it's good to see my friends and my family. I'll take things one day ar a time.

Ok the money came through
Tomorrow I'm off
O Happy Day!
"No don't sorrow
No don't weep
for tonight at last
I am coming home
I am coming home."
- U2 "A Sort Of Homecoming"

I'm still waiting for the money order to clear
starvation a very real possibility
that'd be a laugh.
The perfect punchline to end it all........

sleeping all day and all night
eating cheese sandwiches
drinking sodas
waiting
just waiting for......
escape?
redemption?
death?
i should be so lucky
wishing i was comfortably numb
still i drift
between states
or sadness, melancholy, dreamless sleep
i don't want to dream right now
'cause my dreams betray me
they always do
whether i'm awake or not.
no one will rescue me
but myself
thus, i wait.

Losing my center
Losing hope
Losing my mind
Regroup
Gather strength
Breathe
Right now I feel like dying
but I know I can't pull the trigger
take the poison
end it all
So I drag myself from the floor
and start all over
Where will this take me?
I don't know
but I'll find out soon enough

The best laid plans.......go astray.

Right now I have several choices:

Go to NYC but the original plan was seriously scrapped. My friend's not ready for a relationship. I'm not ready to deal with NYC without her on my side. I'd go there and move because of her. NYC is good to visit but I wouldn't settle down there. Not without proper company. Scratch that.

Go to PR. Unemployed. Stay with my parents. I'd be so happy to see my friends and gig again and I'd be so pissed to be unemployed and living with my parents. I'd rather kill myself. Yes. Suicide is preferable to that.

Stay in Whorelando. Make a few calls. See what's going on. Tough it out. I think this one's the wisest course of action for now.

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in (insert stroke here).

Take your stupid job and shove it! Right up your stupid backstabbing low life punk coward ass. I'm so happy I'm leaving this job and living this stupid town forever. Fuck you you Mickey Mouse wankers! That's what you're all, fucking cartoons. NYC here we come or maybe a stop home first. Whatever it is, fuck you Whorelando!!!!!!!!!!

In other news I've heard really good news of a close friend whose on the road to recovery and wellness. I hope I can help in whatever manner I can. I thought you were dead and you're not. I cried for you and I already mourned you but thank God you managed to prove us wrong. I hope you will win this battle my friend. I want to help you win it in whatever small way I can.

Thank you and good night!


Thank you and good night!

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Last time I checked I was hetero. What does this mean? Nikka!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

Skint beyond belief and very fucking cold. And I'm not even in NYC yet. Still, I gotta get outta that job. I have potential for so much more and I can't afford to waste time there. Still it's all a big bad waiting game. Oh well. 22 days and counting.

Moving back to the ghetto. I liked the fact that I had DSL and all that, but promises were made but not kept. And I don't feel like walking for 40-50 mins home in the dead of night. Maybe if I had a bike, which I don't so fuck it, and fuck her. Fuck this lying stupid bimbo bitch. Fuck her up her stupid racist ass. Anyway, it's for the better, closer to my job, downtown and the city. I can get DSL and my own phone number later.

In other news, William Gibson's new novel "Pattern Recognition" is out on February. Woooooooo.

Well hello 2003! Nice to meet you and all. 2002 went in style. Had dinner and drinks at Rafi and Nuria's house, took some pictures, and we were joined by Jamar and Pipo and their girlfriends. It was a nice dinner and I had some righteous Cuba Libres with Lemon rum. Yummy. I called Liza my friend in NYC whom I'm about to visit soon. We greeted each other nicely and we exchanged pleasantries, kind words, and a lot of drunken sweet nothings. Can't wait to see her. I also called my Ma and my Da. I missed them and wished them well. By the time we made it to the Peacock Room for Rafi's DJ set, it was midnight. We hugged and kissed each other, wishing everyone the best for this year. Rhett J was finishing his DJ set and it was Sarah's turn. Sarah's a local DJ who plays a lot of electroclash and minimal techno. Nice pumping rhythm and good tunes. Then she ended her set with Prince's "Little Red Corvette" and Janet Jackson's "Control". Nevermind that I had half a bottle of Lemon flavored rum in my system, I had to laugh at that one.

Then Rafi was on the dex and his set went pretty well. I wasn't in the mood for drinking anymore liquor so I was dancing and drinking bottled water. Had a good blast dancing and taking pictures with my friends. Eventually I crashed at Rafi and Nuria's. Slept like a baby. Eventually woke up and turned the TV on to the soothing and calming sounds of Jerry Springer. WOOOOOOOOOO! Eventually we all woke up, had breakfast and R et N drove me home. Finished doing my laundry and here we are.

What are my goals for this year? Ok find a steady job. Good pay. Keep working on my words and music. Publish something. Have someone at my side. Simple, realistic (I think) and attainable (ha!), but I have to do it. Because I want to feel fulfilled and useful again. Ok enough ranting. Life has to be lived.

All the best for you and yours,

Jose